Improving Our Relationships

As we delve further into the realm of relationship it is apparent we can have wonderful intentions and clarity of how we prefer to be in relationship and still be challenged by situations that come up with our partner.

When things are going well it’s much easier to express yourself in a loving way and be appreciative of your partner, however when conflict arises it’s challenging to love without conditions. Culturally, often by parents, we have been conditioned to withhold love toward someone who is exhibiting behaviors we don’t like. Often when someone does something we don’t like we let them know about it in the form of a verbal reprimand, nagging, or silent withdrawal of affection.

Often we aren’t even conscious of our decision to share our love conditionally. We habitually hold the stance of – I’ll love you if…. In many cases we demand to be treated in certain ways before we willingly express love and affection.

This leads to relationships where we tolerate each other and either avoid conflict altogether or have bouts of escalated conflict followed by cooling off periods. This kind of relationship stagnates and we wonder where the love went or why we are even continuing in the relationship.

What would happen if the next time your partner pushes your emotional hot button you were able to keep your heart open and love them anyway?

Many years ago my former partner complained regularly about a perpetual situation at work. It aggravated me that he would come home and vent his anger night after night. I would get angry and ask him to stop because it felt like he was taking it out on my daughter and I. This would often escalate and we would yell at each other and on of us would stomp off. One day I tried something new. I practiced a centering technique when he started complaining and stayed present to what he was saying. I realized that he was simply aggravated by a situation he felt powerless to control but had to deal with nearly every day. It had nothing to do with me at all. I stopped taking it personally and let him have his rant. He would vent his energy and then we could go on with our day.

If we make a conscious practice of being present to our partner with an open heart to love and come from a place of love we can start to make very positive changes. Rather than becoming caught up and engaged when someone else is provoked, we can stay in curiosity and wonder – open to what is. From that place our partner starts to feel heard and acknowledged. Being open and curious doesn’t mean we have to agree, however if we listen to their perspective and allow ourselves the opportunity to see it their way we can begin to understand where they are coming from. With practice, it’s possible to talk about our different points of view and come to a decision about how we would like to hold our mutual perspectives and move on.

Ideally, if both partners are willing you can come to an agreement about how you would like to be together when things are going well and especially when they are not. With a little research we can find all kinds of ways to manage perpetually ‘emotionally loaded’ conversations. The work of John Gottman Ph.D in particular has lots of great information on how to mitigate the risk of escalating conflict. Gottman observed that couples who resolved conflict with positivity 4 out of 5 times would stay together.

To take it a step further we can permanently resolve the underlying emotional energy that is provoked in us when our partner displays behaviors we don’t like. By being aware of the physical sensations in our body we can feel into these sensations and release the energy that is causing our emotional reaction. Eventually it will become easy to be curious and listen and not need to control the situation, as I did in my earlier example. Also, in retrospect if I could have seen that he was operating from his own conditioning I might have recognized the pattern of venting one’s frustration when you get home from work was probably modeled by his father. I wonder what would have happened to our relationship if I had resolved my emotional conditioning and become more empathetic towards him?

Ultimately, the only person we have any control over is ourselves, however if we are curious about what is happening on both sides we can open up some room for things to change. Holding ourselves and our partners in a loving way creates space to feel accepted for who we are and encourages us to take the risk of letting go of old ways of being.

Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/