Saturday, August 11, 2012

Traditional Marital Counselling or Therapy is Not Enough

...To Save Your Marriage

Married for 22 years, John and Terry have been struggling in their marriage for the last five.  Very focused on trying to make his business successful, John works long hours and is often not home in the evening.  As the kids grew up Terry felt like she wasn’t needed as much and John wasn’t there to give her support.  Terry began to look for more in her life. 

This is a typical story that plays out in many marriages before divorce occurs.  At the point of crisis, the decision to get divorced, many couples make a final attempt to save the marriage by entering into marital counseling or therapy. The success rates of these interventions are low and in fact might even make things worse, according to Sam Margulies PhD, author of Divorce for Grownups

“Each year, hundreds of thousands of couples go into counseling in an effort to save their troubled relationships, but does it really work” asks another article posted by The Hypnosis Motivation Institute. It references research indicating that 25 percent of couples are worse off two years after they stop therapy, and 38 percent divorce after four years.    

5 Reasons Counseling or Therapy is ineffective
1.   Couples enter into counseling about 6 years after they start having problems, which is too late.  Often by the time they enter into counseling or therapy one of the partners is already on the way out and is no longer committed to making the relationship work. 

      When domestic violence is involved and the offending partner does not take responsibility for their actions there is very little the other partner can do other than look after themselves. Counseling may be sought to find the strength to leave.

   The intervention often involves gaining new insights about the marriage and the other partner as well as learning new skills to work through difficult situations. Couples usually quit practicing the new skills learned and go back to treating each other the way they were before counseling. Often underlying emotional insecurities in both partners are not being resolved. Neither are sexual and intimacy issues resolved. 

5 Types of Intervention
  1. Behavioral Marital Therapy teaches spouses to be kinder to each other.
  2. Insight-oriented Marital Therapy works on defense mechanisms and power struggles in a relationship.
  3. Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy focuses on learning to accept and accommodate the needs of your spouse.
  4. Emotionally Focused Therapy emphasizes emotions and their impact on the marital relationship.
  5. Differentiation uses sexual and intimacy counseling to unveil a couple’s emotional insecurities that affect their relationship, intimacy and other areas of their lives.
According to the Hypnosis Motivation Institute research Emotionally Focused Therapy has the highest satisfaction success rate - 70 to 73 percent, with couples 2 years after their intervention.“Until emotionally focused therapy came along, therapists were so intent on getting couples to make contracts to change their behavior that they did not delve into the emotional underpinnings of a relationship.”
It is no surprise that Emotionally Focused Therapy and Differentiation are more successful methods of marriage counseling.  Both methods focus on emotions, which when triggered are more powerful than thinking. The first three methodologies are based on changing our thinking. 
Could a new technique make counseling and therapy even more effective?  Yes
Imagine having a technique you could use to let go of the underlying emotional energy which causes the majority of your marital problems.  Imagine being able to let go of this energy by working with it while conflict it is occurring! 
It does not require a lot of talking, if any. You don’t have to understand where the energy comes from or your underlying family conditioning. All you have to do is learn how to feel it in a particular way that brings it to resolution, and it takes less than 4 hours. 
All the other methodologies have value and their value can be substantially increased when we are able to let go of our emotional insecurities and pain permanently.  Emotional Hot Button Removal Techniques can do this for you.
4 Recommendations for Effective Counseling or Therapy   
  1. Get support early on when you are having problems in your relationship, before your emotional connection dies.
  2. Decide if you are really committed to having a great marriage with your partner. If you are not committed counseling won’t save your marriage. Choose divorce counseling instead, and be clear on your motives.  
  3. Learn the Emotional Hot Button Removal Techniques: they support and increase the effectiveness of other counseling methods..
  4. Find out what methodology your counselor or therapist uses in their sessions. Emotion- based counseling has the best success rate for marriages.  

www.LivingInVision.com
Lynne@LivingInVision.com

Monday, July 16, 2012

How to Easily Remove Your Emotional Baggage... Forever




It is hard to get rid of our ‘stuff’

you know, our emotional baggage… right?  
At least this is what we've been led to believe. 

Likely you know someone who has gone to counseling or therapy and doesn’t seem to get dramatically better?  Just the other day, my colleague Jacque heard from a lady who has been seeing a therapist for years and still struggles with self-esteem issues.  She still hasn't found a path out of her emotional jungle.    

All that is about to change with the Emotional Hot Button Removal techniques. They  are simple to learn, easy to apply and quickly unpack your emotional baggage so you can throw it away. Forever.

Sound interesting?  I am going to tell you HOW.  Most wouldn’t. You would have to sign up for a workshop, but this is so important we’re  telling you how right here in this article. 

Knowing how isn't enough if you can’t answer YES to these three questions. 
1.            1.       Do you want a different life?
2.       Are you willing to let go of the trauma that has affected you?
3.       Are you willing to invest some time in taking action?

You see if you didn’t answer YES to all three questions then you will do what most people do. Nothing!  This article will just be another piece of good information that goes unused. First let’s deal with why therapy, counseling and coaching aren’t enough.

Therapy, Counselling and Coaching Aren’t Enough

They all deal with changing our thinking, or understanding what happened to us in the past.  The underlying premise is that the mind is the dominant player and it controls our behaviors. This is true unless we are emotionally provoked.Then, like it or not, our emotions are in control! And controlling our emotions is almost impossible when we have a lot of charged energy stored in our emotional baggage around a particular issue.


Ever been really angry and tried to control yourself?  It’s hard to do. Do you manage yourself better at work than with your family or loved ones?

Rather than trying to control the emotional energy every time it arises, what about getting rid of the baggage.  Yes it is possible and it is actually quite easy with the Emotional Hot Button Removal techniques.

Using these techniques you will discover the lost art of feeling, which will lead you out of your Emotional Jungle.  

Emotional Hot Button Removal Techniques Revealed

When an outside event pushes our emotional hot buttons, we have a reaction which is fuelled by the emotional energy held in our bodies. The emotional reaction has a physical sensation to it, a feeling, which can often be located inside our bodies, but sometimes it feels like we’re surrounded by it . Generally we don’t like to be overwhelmed, so we make a feeling-level decision not to feel the pain. This happens so automatically we’re hardly aware we’ve made the choice. However, we can bring emotional pain to completion if instead, we attend to the feelings in our body and feel into the physical sensation. Physical and emotional pain is released as we welcome each new situation. We heal ourselves one feeling at a time using this simple approach.

Tom Stone, in The Power of How, describes two techniques for bringing emotional energy to completion.
·         The first technique is the CORE Technique, which resolves intense emotional experiences from the past: our emotional baggage.
·         
      The second technique is the SEE Technique, which dissolves emotional identifications and attachments, the new vigorous vines that are growing in our emotional jungle.

The CORE Technique involves, feeling into the most intense part of the physical sensation in our body.  We then need to do this technique repeatedly whenever we are provoked. When we use the CORE Technique repeatedly, we free ourselves from emotional baggage permanently.

It is this secret of how to feel into the emotional energy that most practitioners have overlooked or just haven’t learned how to do, until now.  

Why is that?  The fact is, having a simple specific highly effective technique for feeling hasn’t been common knowledge.  We intend to make it common knowledge.
When we practice feeling and combine it with changing our thinking then we can truly soar in our lives and create miracles.

Here is what happened for a few people who practiced.

“Two years ago I had destructive moods swings and emotional reactions that made a mess of my life. After years of trying I just could not stop them. once I learned to dissolve them, I connected more deeply and made much better decisions. My life is transformed; I am confident, optimistic, focused and much happier.”
Albert McDougall, working through childhood trauma

 If it weren’t for Jacque’s [Divine Divorce] program, I might still be mired in the angst and pain of separation.  I’ve learned to positively deal with old issues, stand in my own space and know what is acceptable in my life.
Brad Cooper, working through separation

For 5 years I suffered through depression and loneliness after the end of my marriage.  My body was filled with a terrible pain which constantly caused me to think about my ex-wife.  In just 4 short weeks using these techniques my body became pain free, I no longer think about my ex-wife and I am finally feeling like myself again after all those years of suffering.  I continue to practice the techniques whenever I feel pain in my body.
Gerard Emanuel, recovering from divorce

 “Everyone dealing with divorce should learn these techniques.”
April Love, in the midst of divorce, http://www.aloneability.com/

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Lost in Your Emotional Jungle?


Emotional Conditioning Is Like A Dark Jungle
We all have emotional conditioning from childhood that creates a jungle of emotional reactions we must navigate every day. Some seem to be full of twisted vines with inch-long thorns! What is your jungle like?  Beautiful flowering vines?  Or have you tied your vines into nice, orderly bunches so they’re not as noticeable.

Do people seem to get snarled in your vines and trip over them?  Do you notice others and maybe even yourself walking away bleeding from the thorns?  Maybe it’s your spouse, your kids or the people at work.

You may be afraid of what might be hiding behind the thorny vines on your path, or you may have become so used to them that you don’t feel it necessary to clear them out of the way.
Let me assure you, they are affecting your life!

Our jungles can bring us a false sense of security. We may have become comfortable living in the shade and darkness they provide. We have become like nocturnal animals.

The Vines Create An Endless List Of Problems?
Each vine has a unique growth habit, some of them starting high and away where we hardly see them until they grow downward and end up firmly rooted, obstructing the path forward. Other vines grow upward from deep within, wrapping themselves around us, slowly consuming our life force like a host tree.  

21 Problems Created By Jungle Vines:
1.     Contribute to depression. 
2.     Replay the anger of past events in the form of bitterness or disappointment. 
3.     Abundant fertilizer for worry and anxiety.
4.     Ignore our “gut feeling,” our internal compass is broken.
5.     Doubt blocks us from doing what we know we need to do.
6.     Feel separate from others causing loneliness.
7.     Lots of conflict in our relationships.
8.     Feelings of neediness.
9.     Don’t feel worthy, need recognition to feel valued.
10.   Frustrated or angry when people don’t meet our expectations.
11.   Keep quiet, don’t express our thoughts.
12.   Tolerate toxic behavior, among other issues.
13.   Constantly give to others to make them happy; we want love.
14.   Fear of the unknown, don’t make changes.
15.   Control situations to feel safe.
16.   Cling on to unfulfilling relationships.
17.   Make others wrong and get angry in order to move forward.
18.   Poor listeners.
19.   Need to have things our own way.
20.   Overreact to situations.
21.   We’re difficult to deal with.

Anything you can add to this list?
The bottom line is these behaviors damage relationships, makes life difficult and we don’t feel as happy as we could. 

My colleague, Jacque shares, "The vines in my jungle were prolific and thorny! I appeared to be a very tough and independent woman.  I protected the vulnerable part of myself that didn’t feel good enough and lacked confidence. As the vines in my jungle grew denser, the darker it was on the jungle floor and the more difficult my life felt."


Where Did The Jungle Come From?
Understand the fact that your jungle is not your fault, or anybody’s for that matter. 
It helps to understand where the vines got started in the first place.

Emotional conditioning begins even before we are born and rapidly develops during the first four years of childhood when the neural connections in the brain are developing most actively. What emotionally impacts us during this stage of our early development creates the foundation for our adult behavioral patterns, including feelings, thoughts and actions.

As newborns, we are suddenly exposed to a foreign and cold world with new sights, sounds, and sensations. Any number of events can frighten us as children causing us to be overwhelmed. 

When we experience emotional trauma, two things occurr: a mental process and a physical process. An interactive dynamic occurs between the body and the brain, with memories being stored in the brain and energy being stored in the cells of the body. Painful trauma is recorded and gets stuck in the mind and body at whatever age the trauma occurred.  It doesn’t grow up!  Additional life traumas cause more pain, accelerating the growth of our emotional jungle.  

5 Reasons the Emotional Jungle Is So Hard To Get Rid Of?
1.       We believe time heals all and hence do nothing.
2.       Traditional methods typically only target the emotions recorded by our brain.
3.       We don’t know how to root out the emotions stored in our body’s cells.
4.       We are embarrassed to talk about emotions and feelings.
5.       We fear that people will think we are weak.

We are taught how to read, write, and do arithmetic in school, but we are not taught about emotions and feelings. Most people are very uncomfortable talking about emotions. Yet emotions and feelings are just another source of information, like thinking. Our objective is not to eliminate our feelings, but to stay centered and respond appropriately to a given situation. To reach this point takes practice.

Counseling and coaching are not enough.  They use a machete to cut back the vines.  The roots remain to re-grow another day.  Yes you will feel much better. But, when future life challenges provoke you, it is like throwing fertilizer and water on the vines.  Once again your vines become prolific shutting out the light. 

You have a choice. You’re an adult now; you can keep the jungle or cut down the vines and eradicate the roots.  It’s all up to you.

The Emotional Hot Button Removal techniques are used to dig out the roots. (A future white paper.) 

What Is Possible When You Clear Your Jungle?
When we dissociate from our body to avoid sensing undesirable feelings, we can’t fully sense feelings from desirable emotions either. As a result we miss out on the full impact of love and joy, and on experiencing the more elusive feelings of tenderness, ecstasy, and pleasure.

Our objective is to respond appropriately to a given situation eliminating our sense of struggle and life being difficult. Life can be magical and you can define what that is for you.  Here are some of the benefits experienced

9 Benefits of Removing the Vines  
1.      No longer living in fear. 
2.       Mostly being grounded and centered, and responding appropriately.
3.       Using  intuition as a compass to guide life choices towards what will bring  the greatest sense of joy.
4.       Virtually no stress. Hopefully this helps to avoid disease and illness to live a long life.  
5.       Clients have healed long-term difficult family relationships.
6.       Clients have gotten back together with a spouse after separating and want to start over to do the relationship differently. We don’t have to change our spouse, we can just change us.
7.       Couples have been able to use conflict to root out their vines and have a better relationship.
8.       Managers have removed doubt and the fear of failure to feel strong, capable and confident allowing them to work with clarity and focus. They get more done in less time and work feels easier.
9.       More joy, happiness, and love in our life.

One of our workshop participants, Albert, who is sixty years old, called early one morning to say he had just resolved some big energy of dread in his abdomen that he had woken up with every morning for almost as long as he can remember. With absolute glee in his voice, Albert said, “I can tell, I am finally getting my life back.”

Isn’t that what we really want, to live our lives fully and have more good feelings?

What do you want more of in your life?

What would be possible for you if you removed the roots of your vines?

Click Here to read the full white paper onemotional conditioning.


Article contributed by Jacque Small of YourDivineDivorce.com





Friday, May 4, 2012

What is an Ideal Relationship?


We spend a lot of time talking about intimate relationships, but how do you know if you have one?  You may be complaining to your girlfriends about how your man is controlling, or won’t have conversations with you, or spends too much time golfing.  Your man on the other hand may be suffering in silence wondering why you complain so much, or why he doesn’t have the ideal sex life.

Or maybe you think you have a really great relationship; you talk about any major decisions you need to make, such as buying a car, problems at work, and issues with your kids.  Sure there are some things that you wished would be different, but for the most part you respect your partner and just choose to let go of things that don’t seem to work.

So even though you have a good relationship, how would you know if you are actually making the most of it?  We defer to Robert Masters who has worked as a psychotherapist and teacher since 1977.  In his book "Transformation Through Intimacy", he outlines four stages of relationships, which we have summarized here and covered more fully in blog posts. 

We can use a variety of signs and behaviors to recognize the stage in which we are operating. As our relationships grow, we continue to include the earlier stages, although how we relate to these stages becomes more mature. As we move through each stage there is an increasing depth to our relationships. 

The Four Stages of Relationships


Stage One: Me Centered Relationships 

Stage one is a me-centered relationship run by the ego. The ego of one partner usually dominates that of the other partner. In this stage each person is focused on “What is in it for me?” There is usually an uneasy coalition of some sort, with very little intimacy.


Stage Two: We Centered Co-dependent Relationships

Stage two, the second more advanced relationship stage is the we-centered co-dependent relationship where equality is highly valued and differences may get flattened out. The couple acts as one and cultivates a guarded separation from whatever exists outside. Partners negotiate over what would best serve the relationship. The betrayal that occurs is that the potential of each individual is devalued in favor of the safety and comfort provided by the relationship.


Stage Three: We Centered Co-independent Relationships 

In stage three, a we-centered co-independent relationship, both partners make it a priority to maintain their individuality while still working together in partnership. They negotiate over differences and take more personal risks. Autonomy, although much more adult than in me-centered relationships, is often given too much weight. More maturity and a deeper sense of connection are present than in Stage One.  However, conflict is avoided to preserve the illusion of a safe, skirmish-free relationship.


Stage Four: Being Centered Relationships

The being-centered relationship of stage four contains all the qualities of the previous three stages. The difference is that the couple does not act out the qualities of the other stages; they relate to those qualities instead. The relationship is rooted in shared love, power, depth, and presence. This stage is characterized by ever-deepening passion where the couple can explore places and patterns in themselves that they would otherwise avoid. The relationship becomes a place where both people can work through their childhood conditioning in a loving and supported way.

In the first two stages of relationship, couples often stay together more for security and comfort than for real intimacy. Masters points out that there is often “a mutual pact not to rock the boat, while trying to find some pleasure midst its stagnant or tepid waters.” He continues to say that, “sloppy dialogues, emotional illiteracy, go-nowhere arguments, little cruelties, everyday stupidities, mismatched desires, mechanical rituals, half-heartedness, putting off what needs to be done—these are some of the things that clutter me-centered and we-centered relationships.”


The Ideal Relationship

Masters proposes that in stage four, “our relationship with our beloved is a sacred container which we are deeply committed to taking good care of and protecting.” The relationship is a place where we are supported to learn, grow and evolve in this world to be the person that each of us would ideally like to be.  Together we can find greater freedom, joy, and happiness when we are able to enter into a fourth-stage relationship and support each to have the kind of life that each of us most desires.



Self-Reflection Questions

  • What stage is your relationship operating at?
  • What stage are you operating at in your relationship?
  • What could you do differently to operate at a higher stage?


Monday, April 9, 2012

Relationship Soup - Is Yours Bitter or Delicous?

Building on our relationship theme this month we are taking an in-depth look at how we inadvertently create what is occurring in our relationship and how we can significantly impact our relationships by practicing a deeper sense of self-responsibility.

In relationship, it’s worthwhile to attend to what happens in the space between us. Suppose for a moment, you and your partner are sitting together and between you there is a huge soup cauldron. Into this invisible cauldron you pour the energy from your thoughts and emotions. What kind of soup would you have?

Whether it is delicious or bitter depends upon the kind of energy you pour into the pot.

My colleague Jacque was brewing up a bitter soup a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to reflect on what was happening while listening to the TED Talk by Hedy Schleifer,“The Power of Connection”. Hedy describes how in any relationship, and especially with our partners we constantly transmit energy into the energetic space that exists between us.

Let us also consider the law of attraction which states that we attract to us the same energy that we send out. If we pour negative energy into the soup cauldron then we are likely to attract more negative energy. This is the way we create our own reality, consciously or unconsciously.

This bitter soup had been simmering for several months, and it eventually erupted into conflict. The base ingredients were Jacque's reactions to behaviors of her current and former partners.

Jacque's current partner Conrad is very outgoing and charismatic and he likes to stay up late.Her former husband betrayed her trust at the end of their relationship. Mix in her ingrained belief that anyone who stays up late must be up to no good with unresolved conditioning around being betrayed and she started generating an energy of mistrust.

Pouring this negative energy of mistrust and the corrosive energy of jealousy into the energetic soup between them resulted in what she feared most: losing her relationship and being alone. One day an “event” occurred, about which Jacque knew a few facts and her mind filled in the rest of the gaps with a negative story born from  fear. The soup pot boiled over, scalding both of them.

When negative energy is poured into our relationship cauldron, our partners usually have a negative reaction. Their negative reaction adds more unpalatable energy to the soup and the charged energy between us starts to escalate. In Jacque's case, Conrad sensed her mistrust, which fuelled his behaviors propelling them on a collision course with misunderstanding and conflict. For many men, knowing their partner trusts them, means everything.

Only after this conflict boiled over, and she sat down to resolve her emotional conditioning did it's roots become evident. Jacque realized she was still carrying the pain of betrayal from her past relationship. She also became aware of a deeply held belief which associated being up late with being  “up to no good.” She chose to see this event as a learning experience and recognized how she created her own reality.

Quite simply, the perfect circumstances occurred to make plausible a negative story her mind had been writing for several months. When the circumstances occurred she wrote a whole movie and had even more negative reactions based on the script. The soup pot contained a poisonous brew which almost dissolved their relationship.

After they talked about it, and reviewed the roles they played Conrad quite simply requested that she “trust her man.” Jacque has chosen to do so. She requested that he change his late night habits and he has agreed. They decided to empty the soup pot and start over.

What happens between two people in relationship goes far beyond our words. In fact, words are likely the expression of the emotional energy that is flowing into your invisible soup cauldron. To have happy, vibrant and deep loving relationships with our partners, we need to focus on self-responsibility in a very deep way. We need to be very conscious of the energy we are adding to our relationship pot.

What kind of soup are you cooking up, delicious and nutritious or bitter and corrosive?

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/

Sunday, March 4, 2012

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot

Relationship expert John Gottman Ph.D. has a simple prescription for a healthier life, spend 20 minutes a day working on your marriage and you will be healthier and happier.  Here are some areas where you may want to start working.

Knowing what you really want
Conflict can start when we enter a relationship without knowing what kind of person we really want to be with. Sometimes we are just happy to have found someone so we don’t have to be alone. Later as we get to know one another better we find our partner lacking and we wish they would fulfill our expectations of them.  We end up allowing our negative emotions to overwhelm the positive emotions that we have for our partner. 

Be clear about the qualities and characteristics you desire in a mate before entering into intimate relationship and then put your attention and focus on your partners positive qualities.

Let men be men and women be women…
As more and more women work outside the home, cultural gender roles are shifting. With this, it’s apparent that some women have taken on typically male behaviours in order to survive in a man’s world and have lost connection with their femininity. Men are taking on more of the roles required to keep things in order at home. Women send mixed messages, expecting men to show their feminine side and then judge them for being weak when they do.  Men end up feeling disempowered and find such women unattractive. 

We’re generalizing a lot here and there are many increments on the male/female balance scale. It is vital to recognize in relationship that men do things differently than women and we need to appreciate each other for what we bring to the relationship. What’s most important is that you are both aware and in agreement about what works best in your relationship, regardless of cultural expectations.

Keeping the spark alive
Has your relationship become flat and boring?  Perhaps it is because you are taking your partner for granted and are no longer stoking the fires of your relationship. Sparks occur in our relationships when women embrace their femininity and men their masculinity. If you are a women; do you dress attractively, do you do little things to treat him special?  If you’re a man do you take care of your woman; do you open the door for her, do you bring her a gift or flowers once in a while, do the little things she likes?

I know when my partner brings me a cup of tea in the morning before I get up, I feel special and  feel love in my heart.  Romance is knowing what our partner likes and then doing it for them.  This way we fuel the fire of our relationship and keep the sparks alive.

Connected in the Bedroom?
What’s happening in the relationship gets played out in the bedroom. If you’re feeling disconnected in your communication or disagree in other aspects of your relationship it’s not likely this will all disappear when you roll into bed, unless you make a point of keeping the bedroom sacred.   

Sexual energy and desire is natural and healthy for both men and women. Many of us have suppressed or shut it down due to cultural influences, fear of rejection, resentment or judgement toward our mate, or a myriad of other reasons. Couples who have an active sexual relationship are happier and healthier. If it’s not happening between you what is getting in the way?

Parenting
This can be is one of the biggest hot spots in a relationship and a killer of intimacy if you let it.  Are you in agreement on how to parent your children?  Most couples notice a decrease in their happiness with the arrival of children and it is even more stressful if you and your partner aren’t in agreement on how to raise your children.
Rather than assuming you are on the same page it’s important to take the time to establish and agree on the rules you expect your children to uphold, how they will be disciplined and the activities they will participate in.  Plus you need to do your children a favour, hire a baby sitter and make sure that you take some time for your relationship. 

Keeping a relationship healthy and vibrant requires that you know what you want, ensure that you respect each other as men and women and take action to keep the sparks alive in and out of the bedroom. 

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
www.livinginvision.com

Sunday, February 12, 2012

7 Ways to a Rekindle Romance

With Valentine’s Day love is in the air. Many are celebrating their romance, but some may be looking for ways to re-ignite the flame. If you are in a committed relationship and wish it was better here are some thoughts for keeping the spark alive.


Do pleasurable activities together
Brain science tells us the neurotransmitters released when we first fall in love are also present when we engage in pleasurable activities. Novel experiences have the same effect. So doing something new and exciting together could be an option to a romantic dinner.

Retell your love story
Remember the details of how you met and fell in love. Touch back in to what sparked between you, the dreams you had and the unique events surrounding your meeting. Sharing these experiences with one another can be a wonderful way to bring those feelings into the present.

Take a Long A Term Approach
There are many elements to having a successful union and smoothing the journey of relationship. Too often we focus on what is not working in our relationships and blame our partner for not being the way we want them to be. Having a successful long term relationship requires that we are willing to take personal responsibility for keeping love alive over the long term.

Clear Communication
Having clear and open communication is key to navigating the sometimes turbulent waters of marriage. It requires that we speak our truth to our partner and be willing to hear their truth without resistance and judgement. Appreciating that it takes courage to speak the truth it’s important to make it safe for our partners to speak about what is in their hearts. It helps to come from a place of being fully open to hearing their message. It’s not necessary to agree with their perspective, but we need to be fully present and centered in order to receive the essence of their communication.

It’s about Timing
For effective communication to take place it is important to make time for it. It is way to too easy to get caught up in day to day life and use it as an excuse not to communicate.

Also, attempting to communicate when you or your partner is emotionally charged is counter-productive. Be discerning and wait until emotions subside so you have a better chance of entering into a productive conversation.

Constantly Choosing
We always have choices to make about how to behave in relationship. If you notice that you are falling into habitual patterns when relating to your mate it’s up to you to choose otherwise. When conflict arises it’s usually around issues that are perpetual and not likely to change. How we choose to relate and behave in these situations can make a big difference in how conflict is resolved.

For example have you noticed how easy it is to treat your partner poorly when you get angry? Is this who you really want to be? When your partner is angry with you, do you immediately respond in kind with anger?

Instead if you remain calm and discern whether it’s appropriate to speak your truth you can navigate the waters of your relationship more gracefully. Being understanding of your partner and not provoking them further may serve the relationship better than your being right.

At other times delivering a direct clear message may be the most appropriate course of action. In relationship our partner is our mirror and their direct messages are a source of feedback from which we can learn and grow. Often it is the messages we least like to hear that hold the most value for our growth. What is your partner telling you that you don’t want to hear?

Joint Vision
Have you and your partner talked about what you would like to achieve in your relationship? What are some of your common goals? How would you like to treat each other? How do you want to relate when things are going well and when they aren’t?

Jointly setting a course for your relationship will help to establish mutual objectives. When one of you veers off course it may be time to course correct, or have a conversation with your partner to alter your course.

By focusing on these steps to re-kindle and keep your love alive your relationship is bound to flourish.

Here’s to smoother sailing in your relationship.

In Love,

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/

Friday, January 6, 2012

7 Steps of Relationship Breakdown, From Love to Enemy

We start our relationships full of love and desire for our partner and sadly, all too often this love disintegrates into a place of animosity and estrangement. There are many factors that cause us to move from loving our partner to treating them like the enemy.


Science First: Brain Chemicals
Were you bitten by the love bug? When we first fall in love our brain produces a cocktail of chemicals that helps us get to the attachment stage of our relationships and marriage. These chemicals cause thoughts of our partners to pop into our heads and to only see the good in them. Unfortunately the production of these chemicals declines over time and we return to our normal state. This is not your partner’s fault!

Only the Good
In the early stages we see all the wonderful possibilities of our partners. Then as time passes we start to see their shortfalls, the behaviours that aren't so attractive. We criticize these behaviours and try to get them to change. The more we criticize the more conflict occurs, the more we try to force change the more animosity arises. Before you know it we look at our partner as the enemy only seeing the negative behaviours. We no longer seeing the things we originally loved about then.

When you first got together what attracted you to your partner?

The Person Who Helps Us Heal
Harvel Hendrix and many others in the counseling field believe that the person we attract as a partner has similar attributes as our early childhood caregivers, both good and bad. The attributes of our caregivers contribute to our emotional conditioning and marriage becomes the container in which we can do our healing. Our partner is often a perfect mirror reflecting back what needs to be healed in us. Because we don’t know how to heal we often see our partner as the enemy rather than our coach!

• What would you like to change about your partner?

• How does this apply to you?

• Who could help you with the healing?

Getting our Needs Met
In the early stages of relationship we are often willing to do whatever we can for our partner. We take care of their unmet needs for love and recognition. If one person is doing more of the giving, eventually they start to ask the question “what am I getting out of this?” They withdraw the services they were providing in the name of love and become more demanding. When this occurs neither partner is getting their needs met and both people are often feeling unloved and dissatisfied.

• What do you need your partner to do for you to feel happy?

• What is one thing you could do for your partner to make them happy?

Unmet Expectations
When we come together with a partner we have an image or an idea of what the relationship could become. We fall in love with this idea or vision as much as we fall in love with the person. This creates an expectation or a story about what our relationship could or should be. When it doesn’t match our vision, we feel disappointed and another story about our worst fears or concerns begins to take shape. Most of us blame the other person for not living up to our expectations and make them wrong.

• What unmet expectation do you have about your relationship?

• How could you let go of this expectation to re-engage in your relationship?
Lack of Effort and Investment
Early in a relationship we put our best foot forward in all kinds of ways. We dress up and look our best, show up on time or call when we are late, keep our house clean and the dishes done. As time wears on, our best efforts disappear and we return to normal or even worse. We no longer pay attention to what our clothes look like, the house is messy and needs cleaning, there are dirty dishes in the sink; the list goes on. We stop making an effort to impress our partner and be our best; we stop investing in the relationship.

What is one thing that you could do to invest in your relationship?

Mismatched Sexual Desires
Sexual activity is generally fundamental for longevity of relationships. There are some exceptions where both partners have mutually agreed that sexual relationships are not desired. These however are often the exception not the norm. Sex either becomes a weapon that couples use to hurt each other or it declines into relative obscurity. If sexual activity is desired there is always someone outside the relationship who will appreciate what is not appreciated at home. Lack of fidelity is the ultimate step into the camp of the enemy.

The demise of the feelings of love have many causes; it may be quick within a few years of getting married or it may be a gradual slipping into the abyss of disappointment and blame as our partners prove to be someone different than who we wanted. Essentially it’s up to us to make the choices to keep our relationships thriving once the ‘in love’ brain chemicals subside.

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/
http://www.workeasy4livebalance.com/