Relationship expert John Gottm an Ph.D. has a simple prescription for a healthier life, spend 20 minutes a day working on your marriage and you will be healthier and happier. Here are some areas where you may want to start working.
Knowing what you really want
Conflict can start when we enter a relationship without knowing what kind of person we really want to be with. Sometimes we are just happy to have found someone so we don’t have to be alone. Later as we get to know one another better we find our partner lacking and we wish they would fulfill our expectations of them. We end up allowing our negative emotions to overwhelm the positive emotions that we have for our partner.
Be clear about the qualities and characteristics you desire in a mate before entering into intimate relationship and then put your attention and focus on your partners positive qualities.
Let men be men and women be women…
As more and more women work outside the home, cultural gender roles are shifting. With this, it’s apparent that some women have taken on typically male behaviours in order to survive in a man’s world and have lost connection with their femininity. Men are taking on more of the roles required to keep things in order at home. Women send mixed messages, expecting men to show their feminine side and then judge them for being weak when they do. Men end up feeling disempowered and find such women unattractive.
We’re generalizing a lot here and there are many increments on the male/female balance scale. It is vital to recognize in relationship that men do things differently than women and we need to appreciate each other for what we bring to the relationship. What’s most important is that you are both aware and in agreement about what works best in your relationship, regardless of cultural expectations.
Keeping the spark alive
Has your relationship become flat and boring? Perhaps it is because you are taking your partner for granted and are no longer stoking the fires of your relationship. Sparks
I know when my partner brings me a cup of tea in the morning before I get up, I feel special and feel love in my heart. Romance is knowing what our partner likes and then doing it for them. This way we fuel the fire of our relationship and keep the sparks alive.
Connected in the Bedroom?
What’s happening in the relationship gets played out in the bedroom. If you’re feeling disconnected in your communication or disagree in other aspects of your relationship it’s not likely this will all disappear when you roll into bed, unless you make a point of keeping the bedroom sacred.
Sexual energy and desire is natural and healthy for both men and women. Many of us have suppressed or shut it down due to cultural influences, fear of rejection, resentm ent or judgement toward our mate, or a myriad of other reasons. Couples who have an active sexual relationship are happier and healthier. If it’s not happening between you what is getting in the way?
Parenting
This can be is one of the biggest hot spots in a relationship and a killer of intimacy if you let it. Are you in agreement on how to parent your children? Most couples notice a decrease in their happiness with the arrival of children and it is even more stressful if you and your partner aren’t in agreement on how to raise your children.
Rather than assuming you are on the same page it’s important to take the time to establish and agree on the rules you expect your children to uphold, how they will be disciplined and the activities they will participate in. Plus you need to do your children a favour, hire a baby sitter and make sure that you take some time for your relationship.
Keeping a relationship healthy and vibrant requires that you know what you want, ensure that you respect each other as men and women and take action to keep the sparks alive in and out of the bedroom.
Lynne Brisdon, PCC
www.livinginvision.com
