Friday, May 4, 2012

What is an Ideal Relationship?


We spend a lot of time talking about intimate relationships, but how do you know if you have one?  You may be complaining to your girlfriends about how your man is controlling, or won’t have conversations with you, or spends too much time golfing.  Your man on the other hand may be suffering in silence wondering why you complain so much, or why he doesn’t have the ideal sex life.

Or maybe you think you have a really great relationship; you talk about any major decisions you need to make, such as buying a car, problems at work, and issues with your kids.  Sure there are some things that you wished would be different, but for the most part you respect your partner and just choose to let go of things that don’t seem to work.

So even though you have a good relationship, how would you know if you are actually making the most of it?  We defer to Robert Masters who has worked as a psychotherapist and teacher since 1977.  In his book "Transformation Through Intimacy", he outlines four stages of relationships, which we have summarized here and covered more fully in blog posts. 

We can use a variety of signs and behaviors to recognize the stage in which we are operating. As our relationships grow, we continue to include the earlier stages, although how we relate to these stages becomes more mature. As we move through each stage there is an increasing depth to our relationships. 

The Four Stages of Relationships


Stage One: Me Centered Relationships 

Stage one is a me-centered relationship run by the ego. The ego of one partner usually dominates that of the other partner. In this stage each person is focused on “What is in it for me?” There is usually an uneasy coalition of some sort, with very little intimacy.


Stage Two: We Centered Co-dependent Relationships

Stage two, the second more advanced relationship stage is the we-centered co-dependent relationship where equality is highly valued and differences may get flattened out. The couple acts as one and cultivates a guarded separation from whatever exists outside. Partners negotiate over what would best serve the relationship. The betrayal that occurs is that the potential of each individual is devalued in favor of the safety and comfort provided by the relationship.


Stage Three: We Centered Co-independent Relationships 

In stage three, a we-centered co-independent relationship, both partners make it a priority to maintain their individuality while still working together in partnership. They negotiate over differences and take more personal risks. Autonomy, although much more adult than in me-centered relationships, is often given too much weight. More maturity and a deeper sense of connection are present than in Stage One.  However, conflict is avoided to preserve the illusion of a safe, skirmish-free relationship.


Stage Four: Being Centered Relationships

The being-centered relationship of stage four contains all the qualities of the previous three stages. The difference is that the couple does not act out the qualities of the other stages; they relate to those qualities instead. The relationship is rooted in shared love, power, depth, and presence. This stage is characterized by ever-deepening passion where the couple can explore places and patterns in themselves that they would otherwise avoid. The relationship becomes a place where both people can work through their childhood conditioning in a loving and supported way.

In the first two stages of relationship, couples often stay together more for security and comfort than for real intimacy. Masters points out that there is often “a mutual pact not to rock the boat, while trying to find some pleasure midst its stagnant or tepid waters.” He continues to say that, “sloppy dialogues, emotional illiteracy, go-nowhere arguments, little cruelties, everyday stupidities, mismatched desires, mechanical rituals, half-heartedness, putting off what needs to be done—these are some of the things that clutter me-centered and we-centered relationships.”


The Ideal Relationship

Masters proposes that in stage four, “our relationship with our beloved is a sacred container which we are deeply committed to taking good care of and protecting.” The relationship is a place where we are supported to learn, grow and evolve in this world to be the person that each of us would ideally like to be.  Together we can find greater freedom, joy, and happiness when we are able to enter into a fourth-stage relationship and support each to have the kind of life that each of us most desires.



Self-Reflection Questions

  • What stage is your relationship operating at?
  • What stage are you operating at in your relationship?
  • What could you do differently to operate at a higher stage?