Finding Forgiveness

When we think about forgiveness it’s usually associated with thoughts about people who have wronged us in some way. We feel hurt or offended and hold on to the memory and the charged emotions tied to the event. We think in terms of the person who has caused this; it is their fault. It ties into judgement and blame and we feel that if we forgive them it makes what they did OK. You may hear yourself say, “I can forgive, but not forget.”


This is not truly forgiveness. We are still holding on to a charged memory of what was done. We keep it as a reminder of what happened and make the other person responsible for what they did. It’s as if we want to hang on to it so we can show them in the future how they have hurt us.

When we look at forgiveness from an energetic perspective: For - giving – is for giving that energy back. We no longer need to carry this energy within us. When we hold on to it we keep ourselves in a disempowered place, being a victim to circumstance. We are caught in judgement of the other.

Rather than feeling like a victim and staying caught in judgement, it is useful to consider what role we have played in this drama. What part of it can we take responsibility for? It takes both people for the scenario to unfold and we are both playing a role. Both Victim and Persecutor are playing their part. What role have you played?

When we identify the role we have played and take ownership of it we can let go of the need to blame the other and forgive them and ourselves for what we have played out. In Self forgiveness we can forgive ourselves for the choices we have made thus far, and for the roles we have fallen into. You may want ask yourself if you have been playing a role based on your conditioning.

In relationships especially with a significant other, the roles usually stem back to our parental relationships. We attract into our life someone who plays the role of the parent that we had issues with, or in some way sets up a replay of the dynamics we experienced growing up.

In my colleague Jacque’s case, she had experienced the ‘poor me’ feeling in relation to her father’s aggressive behaviour. She, like many who have been persecuted took on that role herself, believing she needed to be this way in order to survive and protect herself.

She recognized she could forgive herself for being like her father. In her words, she “became assertive and aggressive if things didn’t go my way and got angry. I did this to keep myself safe, to survive and be successful. Survival and success were intertwined. I thought that in order to be successful I needed to be dominant and push hard and push my ideas forward. Just like my father.”

When met with resistance, she got frustrated, or angry. In the workplace frustration turned to being highly judgemental toward her co-workers. Disillusioned and thinking they were wrong, she made herself right. In business relationships, she was considered a difficult person to work with: smart but difficult. In her personal, marital relationship she chose a man she could dominate – who let her run the show. If she hadn’t been able to run the show there would have had nothing but conflict in their relationship.

Now Jacque has forgiven herself for being a hard, driving, demanding person who didn’t have much empathy for others. This is now so at odds with the person she has become. In letting go of her charged emotional baggage, she has developed empathy for others. Empathy has become natural and she wouldn’t choose to treat people the way she did.

There are two ways to forgive. One is to intellectually forgive ourselves for who we were and choose who we want to be now. The other way recognizes the significant emotional charge we’ve been hanging on to: repressed emotions from childhood and into adulthood. We can forgive ourselves in a deep and lasting way by letting go of the emotional energy we’ve held in our bodies. Simply resolving and being complete with the energy makes forgiveness easy and permanent.

It’s been said that harbouring resentment and not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It festers inside us. When we forgive, we let it go. It’s a big relief.

Lynne Brisdon
Living In Vision Enterprises