We start our relationships full of love and desire for our partner and sadly, all too often this love disintegrates into a place of animosity and estrangement. There are many factors that cause us to move from loving our partner to treating them like the enemy.
Science First: Brain Chemicals
Were you bitten by the love bug? When we first fall in love our brain produces a cocktail of chemicals that helps us get to the attachment stage of our relationships and marriage. These chemicals cause thoughts of our partners to pop into our heads and to only see the good in them. Unfortunately the production of these chemicals declines over time and we return to our normal state. This is not your partner’s fault!
Only the Good
In the early stages we see all the wonderful possibilities of our partners. Then as time passes we start to see their shortfalls, the behaviours that aren't so attractive. We criticize these behaviours and try to get them to change. The more we criticize the more conflict occurs, the more we try to force change the more animosity arises. Before you know it we look at our partner as the enemy only seeing the negative behaviours. We no longer seeing the things we originally loved about then.
When you first got together what attracted you to your partner?
The Person Who Helps Us Heal
Harvel Hendrix and many others in the counseling field believe that the person we attract as a partner has similar attributes as our early childhood caregivers, both good and bad. The attributes of our caregivers contribute to our emotional conditioning and marriage becomes the container in which we can do our healing. Our partner is often a perfect mirror reflecting back what needs to be healed in us. Because we don’t know how to heal we often see our partner as the enemy rather than our coach!
• What would you like to change about your partner?
• How does this apply to you?
• Who could help you with the healing?
Getting our Needs Met
In the early stages of relationship we are often willing to do whatever we can for our partner. We take care of their unmet needs for love and recognition. If one person is doing more of the giving, eventually they start to ask the question “what am I getting out of this?” They withdraw the services they were providing in the name of love and become more demanding. When this occurs neither partner is getting their needs met and both people are often feeling unloved and dissatisfied.
• What do you need your partner to do for you to feel happy?
• What is one thing you could do for your partner to make them happy?
Unmet Expectations
When we come together with a partner we have an image or an idea of what the relationship could become. We fall in love with this idea or vision as much as we fall in love with the person. This creates an expectation or a story about what our relationship could or should be. When it doesn’t match our vision, we feel disappointed and another story about our worst fears or concerns begins to take shape. Most of us blame the other person for not living up to our expectations and make them wrong.
• What unmet expectation do you have about your relationship?
• How could you let go of this expectation to re-engage in your relationship?
Lack of Effort and Investment
Early in a relationship we put our best foot forward in all kinds of ways. We dress up and look our best, show up on time or call when we are late, keep our house clean and the dishes done. As time wears on, our best efforts disappear and we return to normal or even worse. We no longer pay attention to what our clothes look like, the house is messy and needs cleaning, there are dirty dishes in the sink; the list goes on. We stop making an effort to impress our partner and be our best; we stop investing in the relationship.
What is one thing that you could do to invest in your relationship?
Mismatched Sexual Desires
Sexual activity is generally fundamental for longevity of relationships. There are some exceptions where both partners have mutually agreed that sexual relationships are not desired. These however are often the exception not the norm. Sex either becomes a weapon that couples use to hurt each other or it declines into relative obscurity. If sexual activity is desired there is always someone outside the relationship who will appreciate what is not appreciated at home. Lack of fidelity is the ultimate step into the camp of the enemy.
The demise of the feelings of love have many causes; it may be quick within a few years of getting married or it may be a gradual slipping into the abyss of disappointment and blame as our partners prove to be someone different than who we wanted. Essentially it’s up to us to make the choices to keep our relationships thriving once the ‘in love’ brain chemicals subside.
Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/
http://www.workeasy4livebalance.com/
Friday, January 6, 2012
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