Relationships are a Brilliant Place to Learn

Ever notice how it’s the people we’re closest to who push our buttons. What if we considered them a mirror for our own growth and learning?


What usually happens is we look at the other and judge: we don’t like what they’re doing. We think ‘They hurt me,’ or ‘I’m jealous’. We have judgments about how they handle money, or parenting. We don’t like how they deal with children, extended family, how they approach sexual intimacy, their work focus (or lack thereof).

All these topics are major focal points for dissent in relationships. We observe the other’s behavior, our ego judges them. It’s like looking through an invisible wall: all we can see is the person on the other side. We see their behavior and we make ourselves right and them wrong. The wall keeps us from seeing what’s on our side. If the wall became a mirror instead, and we asked the question, ‘how does this apply to me?’ then we could start learning about ourselves.

When you can look beyond your own judgments and be really honest with yourself you can see how it applies to you. For instance ‘she’ is noticing ‘his’ behavior is out of character and off purpose. He’s not focused on making enough money. If she is really honest with herself she’d recognize she’s not happy because she is off purpose and not generating enough income. If we are critical and judgmental of another, it really applies to us.

Rather than have its sense of identity and rightness threatened, the ego will typically blame and make the other person wrong. And then we drop into the victim role. When we do, the energy from our emotional conditioning is ignited. We get frustrated, angry – emotions are triggered. The other person is not being the way we want them to be and ultimately we are not being the way we want to be.

When we’re caught in this kind of emotional conditioning it’s really hard to see how we are contributing to the situation. The other shows up in our lives to simply be a mirror. That person is there to help you see what is really occurring - there to help you resolve your conditioning.

We aren’t really aware of our behavioral traits we gathered while growing up or of the habits we were taught. Until we can truly look at others as a mirror we’re not entirely conscious of what is going on. We live predominantly from emotional conditioning and ego.

Similarly, in the workplace, consider what happens when we want to make something happen and we can’t. Our ego drops into judgment triggered by all the associated unresolved emotional energy surrounding this issue. On top of that, we habitually resist feeling things fully so we have stuffed all the hurt, loneliness, sense of being abused or taken advantage of. It all comes up and we over-react to the situation. The person we are in conflict with is really ourselves.

When you begin to see yourself in the mirror of relationships you start to learn about yourself. Your habits, behaviors and unresolved emotional conditioning are revealed. At this point you have the choice to own your behaviors, resolve your conditioning and change your habits. When you do, you’ll be able to be more calm and centered, and chances are your relationship will be better too.

Relationships are a mirror for healing. They show us what needs to be resolved within ourselves. It’s an absolutely wonderful learning environment. It can be the best school we’ve ever gone to.

Enjoy your learning,
Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/