Relationship Soup - Is Yours Bitter or Delicous?

Building on our relationship theme this month we are taking an in-depth look at how we inadvertently create what is occurring in our relationship and how we can significantly impact our relationships by practicing a deeper sense of self-responsibility.

In relationship, it’s worthwhile to attend to what happens in the space between us. Suppose for a moment, you and your partner are sitting together and between you there is a huge soup cauldron. Into this invisible cauldron you pour the energy from your thoughts and emotions. What kind of soup would you have?

Whether it is delicious or bitter depends upon the kind of energy you pour into the pot.

My colleague Jacque was brewing up a bitter soup a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to reflect on what was happening while listening to the TED Talk by Hedy Schleifer,“The Power of Connection”. Hedy describes how in any relationship, and especially with our partners we constantly transmit energy into the energetic space that exists between us.

Let us also consider the law of attraction which states that we attract to us the same energy that we send out. If we pour negative energy into the soup cauldron then we are likely to attract more negative energy. This is the way we create our own reality, consciously or unconsciously.

This bitter soup had been simmering for several months, and it eventually erupted into conflict. The base ingredients were Jacque's reactions to behaviors of her current and former partners.

Jacque's current partner Conrad is very outgoing and charismatic and he likes to stay up late.Her former husband betrayed her trust at the end of their relationship. Mix in her ingrained belief that anyone who stays up late must be up to no good with unresolved conditioning around being betrayed and she started generating an energy of mistrust.

Pouring this negative energy of mistrust and the corrosive energy of jealousy into the energetic soup between them resulted in what she feared most: losing her relationship and being alone. One day an “event” occurred, about which Jacque knew a few facts and her mind filled in the rest of the gaps with a negative story born from  fear. The soup pot boiled over, scalding both of them.

When negative energy is poured into our relationship cauldron, our partners usually have a negative reaction. Their negative reaction adds more unpalatable energy to the soup and the charged energy between us starts to escalate. In Jacque's case, Conrad sensed her mistrust, which fuelled his behaviors propelling them on a collision course with misunderstanding and conflict. For many men, knowing their partner trusts them, means everything.

Only after this conflict boiled over, and she sat down to resolve her emotional conditioning did it's roots become evident. Jacque realized she was still carrying the pain of betrayal from her past relationship. She also became aware of a deeply held belief which associated being up late with being  “up to no good.” She chose to see this event as a learning experience and recognized how she created her own reality.

Quite simply, the perfect circumstances occurred to make plausible a negative story her mind had been writing for several months. When the circumstances occurred she wrote a whole movie and had even more negative reactions based on the script. The soup pot contained a poisonous brew which almost dissolved their relationship.

After they talked about it, and reviewed the roles they played Conrad quite simply requested that she “trust her man.” Jacque has chosen to do so. She requested that he change his late night habits and he has agreed. They decided to empty the soup pot and start over.

What happens between two people in relationship goes far beyond our words. In fact, words are likely the expression of the emotional energy that is flowing into your invisible soup cauldron. To have happy, vibrant and deep loving relationships with our partners, we need to focus on self-responsibility in a very deep way. We need to be very conscious of the energy we are adding to our relationship pot.

What kind of soup are you cooking up, delicious and nutritious or bitter and corrosive?

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot

Relationship expert John Gottman Ph.D. has a simple prescription for a healthier life, spend 20 minutes a day working on your marriage and you will be healthier and happier.  Here are some areas where you may want to start working.

Knowing what you really want

Conflict can start when we enter a relationship without knowing what kind of person we really want to be with. Sometimes we are just happy to have found someone so we don’t have to be alone. Later as we get to know one another better we find our partner lacking and we wish they would fulfill our expectations of them.  We end up allowing our negative emotions to overwhelm the positive emotions that we have for our partner. 

Be clear about the qualities and characteristics you desire in a mate before entering into intimate relationship and then put your attention and focus on your partners positive qualities.

Let men be men and women be women…

As more and more women work outside the home, cultural gender roles are shifting. With this, it’s apparent that some women have taken on typically male behaviours in order to survive in a man’s world and have lost connection with their femininity. Men are taking on more of the roles required to keep things in order at home. Women send mixed messages, expecting men to show their feminine side and then judge them for being weak when they do.  Men end up feeling disempowered and find such women unattractive. 

We’re generalizing a lot here and there are many increments on the male/female balance scale. It is vital to recognize in relationship that men do things differently than women and we need to appreciate each other for what we bring to the relationship. What’s most important is that you are both aware and in agreement about what works best in your relationship, regardless of cultural expectations.

Keeping the spark alive

Has your relationship become flat and boring?  Perhaps it is because you are taking your partner for granted and are no longer stoking the fires of your relationship. Sparks occur in our relationships when women embrace their femininity and men their masculinity. If you are a women; do you dress attractively, do you do little things to treat him special?  If you’re a man do you take care of your woman; do you open the door for her, do you bring her a gift or flowers once in a while, do the little things she likes?

I know when my partner brings me a cup of tea in the morning before I get up, I feel special and  feel love in my heart.  Romance is knowing what our partner likes and then doing it for them.  This way we fuel the fire of our relationship and keep the sparks alive.

Connected in the Bedroom?

What’s happening in the relationship gets played out in the bedroom. If you’re feeling disconnected in your communication or disagree in other aspects of your relationship it’s not likely this will all disappear when you roll into bed, unless you make a point of keeping the bedroom sacred.   

Sexual energy and desire is natural and healthy for both men and women. Many of us have suppressed or shut it down due to cultural influences, fear of rejection, resentment or judgement toward our mate, or a myriad of other reasons. Couples who have an active sexual relationship are happier and healthier. If it’s not happening between you what is getting in the way?

Parenting

This can be is one of the biggest hot spots in a relationship and a killer of intimacy if you let it.  Are you in agreement on how to parent your children?  Most couples notice a decrease in their happiness with the arrival of children and it is even more stressful if you and your partner aren’t in agreement on how to raise your children.

Rather than assuming you are on the same page it’s important to take the time to establish and agree on the rules you expect your children to uphold, how they will be disciplined and the activities they will participate in.  Plus you need to do your children a favour, hire a baby sitter and make sure that you take some time for your relationship. 

Keeping a relationship healthy and vibrant requires that you know what you want, ensure that you respect each other as men and women and take action to keep the sparks alive in and out of the bedroom. 

Lynne Brisdon, PCC

www.livinginvision.com

7 Ways to a Rekindle Romance

With Valentine’s Day love is in the air. Many are celebrating their romance, but some may be looking for ways to re-ignite the flame. If you are in a committed relationship and wish it was better here are some thoughts for keeping the spark alive.


Do pleasurable activities together
Brain science tells us the neurotransmitters released when we first fall in love are also present when we engage in pleasurable activities. Novel experiences have the same effect. So doing something new and exciting together could be an option to a romantic dinner.

Retell your love story
Remember the details of how you met and fell in love. Touch back in to what sparked between you, the dreams you had and the unique events surrounding your meeting. Sharing these experiences with one another can be a wonderful way to bring those feelings into the present.

Take a Long A Term Approach
There are many elements to having a successful union and smoothing the journey of relationship. Too often we focus on what is not working in our relationships and blame our partner for not being the way we want them to be. Having a successful long term relationship requires that we are willing to take personal responsibility for keeping love alive over the long term.

Clear Communication
Having clear and open communication is key to navigating the sometimes turbulent waters of marriage. It requires that we speak our truth to our partner and be willing to hear their truth without resistance and judgement. Appreciating that it takes courage to speak the truth it’s important to make it safe for our partners to speak about what is in their hearts. It helps to come from a place of being fully open to hearing their message. It’s not necessary to agree with their perspective, but we need to be fully present and centered in order to receive the essence of their communication.

It’s about Timing
For effective communication to take place it is important to make time for it. It is way to too easy to get caught up in day to day life and use it as an excuse not to communicate.

Also, attempting to communicate when you or your partner is emotionally charged is counter-productive. Be discerning and wait until emotions subside so you have a better chance of entering into a productive conversation.

Constantly Choosing
We always have choices to make about how to behave in relationship. If you notice that you are falling into habitual patterns when relating to your mate it’s up to you to choose otherwise. When conflict arises it’s usually around issues that are perpetual and not likely to change. How we choose to relate and behave in these situations can make a big difference in how conflict is resolved.

For example have you noticed how easy it is to treat your partner poorly when you get angry? Is this who you really want to be? When your partner is angry with you, do you immediately respond in kind with anger?

Instead if you remain calm and discern whether it’s appropriate to speak your truth you can navigate the waters of your relationship more gracefully. Being understanding of your partner and not provoking them further may serve the relationship better than your being right.

At other times delivering a direct clear message may be the most appropriate course of action. In relationship our partner is our mirror and their direct messages are a source of feedback from which we can learn and grow. Often it is the messages we least like to hear that hold the most value for our growth. What is your partner telling you that you don’t want to hear?

Joint Vision
Have you and your partner talked about what you would like to achieve in your relationship? What are some of your common goals? How would you like to treat each other? How do you want to relate when things are going well and when they aren’t?

Jointly setting a course for your relationship will help to establish mutual objectives. When one of you veers off course it may be time to course correct, or have a conversation with your partner to alter your course.

By focusing on these steps to re-kindle and keep your love alive your relationship is bound to flourish.

Here’s to smoother sailing in your relationship.

In Love,

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/

7 Steps of Relationship Breakdown, From Love to Enemy

We start our relationships full of love and desire for our partner and sadly, all too often this love disintegrates into a place of animosity and estrangement. There are many factors that cause us to move from loving our partner to treating them like the enemy.


Science First: Brain Chemicals
Were you bitten by the love bug? When we first fall in love our brain produces a cocktail of chemicals that helps us get to the attachment stage of our relationships and marriage. These chemicals cause thoughts of our partners to pop into our heads and to only see the good in them. Unfortunately the production of these chemicals declines over time and we return to our normal state. This is not your partner’s fault!

Only the Good
In the early stages we see all the wonderful possibilities of our partners. Then as time passes we start to see their shortfalls, the behaviours that aren't so attractive. We criticize these behaviours and try to get them to change. The more we criticize the more conflict occurs, the more we try to force change the more animosity arises. Before you know it we look at our partner as the enemy only seeing the negative behaviours. We no longer seeing the things we originally loved about then.

When you first got together what attracted you to your partner?

The Person Who Helps Us Heal
Harvel Hendrix and many others in the counseling field believe that the person we attract as a partner has similar attributes as our early childhood caregivers, both good and bad. The attributes of our caregivers contribute to our emotional conditioning and marriage becomes the container in which we can do our healing. Our partner is often a perfect mirror reflecting back what needs to be healed in us. Because we don’t know how to heal we often see our partner as the enemy rather than our coach!

• What would you like to change about your partner?

• How does this apply to you?

• Who could help you with the healing?

Getting our Needs Met
In the early stages of relationship we are often willing to do whatever we can for our partner. We take care of their unmet needs for love and recognition. If one person is doing more of the giving, eventually they start to ask the question “what am I getting out of this?” They withdraw the services they were providing in the name of love and become more demanding. When this occurs neither partner is getting their needs met and both people are often feeling unloved and dissatisfied.

• What do you need your partner to do for you to feel happy?

• What is one thing you could do for your partner to make them happy?

Unmet Expectations
When we come together with a partner we have an image or an idea of what the relationship could become. We fall in love with this idea or vision as much as we fall in love with the person. This creates an expectation or a story about what our relationship could or should be. When it doesn’t match our vision, we feel disappointed and another story about our worst fears or concerns begins to take shape. Most of us blame the other person for not living up to our expectations and make them wrong.

• What unmet expectation do you have about your relationship?

• How could you let go of this expectation to re-engage in your relationship?
Lack of Effort and Investment
Early in a relationship we put our best foot forward in all kinds of ways. We dress up and look our best, show up on time or call when we are late, keep our house clean and the dishes done. As time wears on, our best efforts disappear and we return to normal or even worse. We no longer pay attention to what our clothes look like, the house is messy and needs cleaning, there are dirty dishes in the sink; the list goes on. We stop making an effort to impress our partner and be our best; we stop investing in the relationship.

What is one thing that you could do to invest in your relationship?

Mismatched Sexual Desires
Sexual activity is generally fundamental for longevity of relationships. There are some exceptions where both partners have mutually agreed that sexual relationships are not desired. These however are often the exception not the norm. Sex either becomes a weapon that couples use to hurt each other or it declines into relative obscurity. If sexual activity is desired there is always someone outside the relationship who will appreciate what is not appreciated at home. Lack of fidelity is the ultimate step into the camp of the enemy.

The demise of the feelings of love have many causes; it may be quick within a few years of getting married or it may be a gradual slipping into the abyss of disappointment and blame as our partners prove to be someone different than who we wanted. Essentially it’s up to us to make the choices to keep our relationships thriving once the ‘in love’ brain chemicals subside.

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/
http://www.workeasy4livebalance.com/

7 Benefits of Working Collaboratively for Life Balance

Two years ago, my partner Jacque and I set the intention to work easy. Since then we have worked collaboratively to teach people how to release their emotional baggage quickly and easily, and give them back their lives.


Working collaboratively has been invaluable for both of us in our business. Here are the benefits we have received: 

Less Money
It was clear I needed to do more to promote my coaching practice but I thought I would have to spend more money to do so. Working together we combined our resources for Maestro Conferences and Constant Contact to promote our businesses. Plus we invested in the development of a blog at  http://workeasy4lifebalance.com/ 

Saves Time
We joined forces to collaboratively promote our businesses by jointly writing a monthly newsletter and blog articles. In less than an hour each month we were able to quickly outline each month’s newsletter. Developing the articles felt like a breeze. Plus jointly developing and delivering our Emotional Hot Button Removal Workshops, rather than competing, saved both of us a lot of time.

Creativity and Productivity
Working together we came up with more creative ideas to promote our services. Instead of struggling on our own through the process of coming up with ideas for articles we have a conversation, and the knowledge we want to share freely flows out of us. We also decided to start the free monthly Catalyst LIVE! tele-call to share our conversation about living magical lives with listeners. Working collaboratively has greatly increased productivity as well as enhancing the quality of ideas we generate.

Learning
We each have unique talents and strengths that we can share as strategic business partners. Jacque brings vast knowledge of business to our relationship that I can draw from in my own business and to support my entrepreneur clients. She has appreciated and grown with my knowledge from 20 years of spiritual exploration and teaching in both formal and informal settings.

Support
Mastermind partners are a huge source of support. This is especially true for Jacque and I as we are both coaches. We use our coaching skills to support each other’s personal growth and business development; especially if either of us is emotionally triggered. We are able to use our unique coaching techniques to bring our emotional reactions to completion and keep moving forward.

Accountability
Our agreement to meet regularly every Monday morning has kept us on track to keep building our businesses. Our commitment to one another has been invaluable to take on new challenges. With dividing my time between my business and serving Self Employment Program clients, without our scheduled meetings it would have been very easy to lose focus on the promotion and development of business and to let our workshops lapse. Most of our business meetings start with a check in, allowing us to clear anything that might keep us from being at the top of our game. Our partnership has kept both of us focused on all aspects of our business.

Fun
Finally, another intention we set was to have fun and do work that we love. This way work would feel easy rather than hard. By bouncing ideas off each other we inspire each other, giving us more energy to pour into our work and life. We have fun, get things done with ease, and produce better work together than either one of us could have done on our own.

Working together really has made our lives easier and given us life balance. Who could wish for anything more for their life than inspiring work they love and a sense of balance in their life?

Who could you work more collaborative with?

Lynne Brisdon, PCC
Lynne@LivingInVision.com
Living In Vision Enterprises

Casting out Demons and Lightening Up

This time of year always seems like endarkenment to me. As the days get shorter, the weather gloomier, it feels like an emotionally down season. Unresolved material gets stirred up from the past like the ghosts and skeletons of Halloween.


Perhaps there’s some wisdom in the Indian celebration of light – Diwali which celebrates the casting out of demons by lighting lanterns. What if we took that approach to casting out old emotional demons and celebrating a new lightness of being?

Or, for those of you following the planetary ascension progression of triple date portals this month, 11:11:11  is an invitation to set intention for enlightenment. As the world becomes darker each day we can choose to raise our inner frequency, to shine our inner radiance and light up the world around us.

There will always be darkness and light. Where do you want to put your focus? It’s all about intent. There may be more darkness in some areas of our lives than others. Like sweeping the proverbial dirt under the rug, we may choose to keep ourselves in the dark about the very things we want to change. Working with people as a healer and a coach it’s interesting to notice how we would rather hang on to our pain, or negative stories than change or let them go.

What is it that keeps us from letting go of old ways of being? Usually the biggest barrier is being afraid to look inside. We continue along blithely accepting we are the way we are, unwilling to look under the surface for fear of what we may find out. We imagine what’s going on inside will be even worse than what we’re currently experiencing. Like the ghosts and goblins we imagined under our bed as kids; it could be scary, emotionally overwhelming or traumatic to look inside.

We are deeply conditioned to avoid pain and trauma. The irony is that quite often our fear of facing what we don’t want to feel is more painful than experiencing the energy of the actual event. When we allow ourselves to feel the energy of an emotion and move through and beyond the emotional experience, it’s quite painless. We can move energy with virtually no emotional trauma, unlike traditional counselling therapies where releasing can be very traumatic; lots of crying, major catharsis, etc. Recipients may feel much better afterward, but can be emotionally drained by the process and often only a small amount of emotional energy has been released.

On a more subtle level, we may be deeply identified with our own behavioural patterns. We are so used to being a certain way it feels normal. For example we may have been depressed for so long we don’t know what it feels like not to be. Or we may have felt anxious or overly stressed to the point that we can no longer recollect what calm feels like.

We start to accept these states as being “normal.” We may become adept in our avoidance; choosing to focus on the parts that are working and ignoring the parts that aren’t. Or we may have become a victim, knowing that life could be or should be better and being disappointed by what is not happening. It may seem like we have our nose up against a brick wall – not knowing which way to turn, or how to look over the wall. We feel stuck and struggle in a life that feels like a never ending Halloween horror show.

Another reason we resist looking inside is most of us have had the experience of wanting to hide some part of ourselves from others. We talk about the skeletons in our closet or our demons. We feel that these parts of ourselves are suspect, we feel like we are not good enough. We fear what will happen if we expose those parts of ourselves; that we will be judged, ostracized or shut out in some way. We may feel a sense of being punished, hurt or that love will be withheld.

So we try to keep them hidden, but they jump out regardless. Others see them whether we want them to or not, they show up in our everyday behaviour. For example  when we try to be confident when we're not, people notice, even though they may not say anything to us.

What would happen if we had the courage to step away from the story of who we are and let go of the image we attempt to hold up?

It is only by exposing our demons to the light and accepting them that we can truly let them go. With acceptance we can move to resolution and completion by fully feeling our present and past emotional experiences. Then there is nothing left to hide.

Imagine boosting yourself up to look over the wall and finding paradise rather than the boogie man. What would it take to look over the wall that is standing between you and paradise?

 Learn techniques to resolve and complete past emotional experience in Emotional Hot Button Removal Training.

Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/

Getting to Gratitude

While celebrating Thanksgiving we are reminded to be grateful and appreciative. Reminding ourselves is useful because it seems gratitude is an elusive state of being. Cultivating more of it would be hugely beneficial. Imagine what it would it be like to be consistently grateful? What would be possible?


Being grateful and appreciative feels wonderful. It’s joyful and uplifts the spirit. We feel generous and able to share. It’s empowering, gives us confidence and the ability to take on new challenges. Not only does it feel great, it gives the whole immune system a boost. When we feel good our energy radiates, positively impacting others. With these benefits it makes sense to access gratitude more often. What keeps us from doing so?

‘Well that’s obvious,’ you might be thinking, ‘there’s so much going on in my life, how could I possibly feel grateful all the time? I’m far too busy, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated about what’s not working, and worrying about what needs to be done.” Judgment and criticism may be more constant ways of being. Energetically, these feelings are stressful, heavy and difficult.

Fundamentally, it’s a choice whether you feel gratitude or find yourself grumbling and pushing hard, but it’s easier said than done. If making the choice was as easy as flipping a switch, most likely you would. The difficultly lies in habitual thinking and feeling patterns; the more we think and feel in certain ways the harder it is to change. These patterns, like ruts in the road get deeper the more they are used.

The choice we need to make is much more than an intellectual decision; it’s a deep, internal commitment. Like the air we breathe, our habitual thoughts, feelings and behaviours are invisible to us. That is, until we take the approach of observing ourselves and becoming aware of our thinking habits and their associated feelings. Then we can make new conscious choices.

One of my habits has been to worry and be concerned about having enough money. Growing up we always had enough. My parents were careful, worked hard and made practical choices. I learned to be frugal with money. Even though we enjoyed what many couldn’t, it seemed whenever I asked for some little extra thing I heard, ‘We can’t afford it.’

Attempts to change my relationship with money have been challenging. It’s hard to break out of old patterns. Especially with money, it all seems so black and white, so finite. In my experience when there’s a fixed amount coming in, outflow needs to be controlled so it can all work out. The problem is, there are often unforeseen expenses which I seem to have no control over.

Years ago, I was expressing concerns about making ends meet, and my daughter, who was about 12 at the time said, “Don’t worry Mom. There’s always enough.” She caught me off guard, because she was right. We always had a place to live, and there was always something to eat. I chose to trust my ability to consistently earn the specific amount required to cover expenses each month – and I did.

Now its time to update my beliefs. Instead of being limited to consistent income and having fears about its decline, I’d like to be grateful for what I have and put my focus on increasing income. Trusting the inbound flow and being grateful for it opens up to a much higher likelihood of recognizing opportunities to have more. Worrying about not having enough reinforces limitation and shuts off the flow.

What if income wasn’t finite and came from unforeseen sources. That would be a different experience. As I ponder this I allow all the old beliefs and feelings of worry and concern to surface and as they do I, resolve them. Releasing internal conflict allows me to access the feelings of having enough, even having more than enough.

From this place I can also choose to be grateful for all the talents and resources I have to share. This feels much more empowering. What if, I simply believed in my own abilities in the same way I believe in others?

Making the shift from grumbling to gratitude has huge benefits for us. The law of attraction states that we attract to us the energy we send out. So if we are exuding the grumbling, closed down energy of limitation and not enough, that is what we are likely to attract more of. If we send out positive vibrant energy others perceive it and want some of that energy for themselves. When we exude the energy of gratitude we attract the same kind of energy back to us opening up whole new possibilities and opportunities.

What would you rather do? Open up exciting new possibilities or attract more difficult challenges?