As we delve further into the realm of relationship it is apparent we can have wonderful intentions and clarity of how we prefer to be in relationship and still be challenged by situations that come up with our partner.
When things are going well it’s much easier to express yourself in a loving way and be appreciative of your partner, however when conflict arises it’s challenging to love without conditions. Culturally, often by parents, we have been conditioned to withhold love toward someone who is exhibiting behaviors we don’t like. Often when someone does something we don’t like we let them know about it in the form of a verbal reprimand, nagging, or silent withdrawal of affection.
Often we aren’t even conscious of our decision to share our love conditionally. We habitually hold the stance of – I’ll love you if…. In many cases we demand to be treated in certain ways before we willingly express love and affection.
This leads to relationships where we tolerate each other and either avoid conflict altogether or have bouts of escalated conflict followed by cooling off periods. This kind of relationship stagnates and we wonder where the love went or why we are even continuing in the relationship.
What would happen if the next time your partner pushes your emotional hot button you were able to keep your heart open and love them anyway?
Many years ago my former partner complained regularly about a perpetual situation at work. It aggravated me that he would come home and vent his anger night after night. I would get angry and ask him to stop because it felt like he was taking it out on my daughter and I. This would often escalate and we would yell at each other and on of us would stomp off. One day I tried something new. I practiced a centering technique when he started complaining and stayed present to what he was saying. I realized that he was simply aggravated by a situation he felt powerless to control but had to deal with nearly every day. It had nothing to do with me at all. I stopped taking it personally and let him have his rant. He would vent his energy and then we could go on with our day.
If we make a conscious practice of being present to our partner with an open heart to love and come from a place of love we can start to make very positive changes. Rather than becoming caught up and engaged when someone else is provoked, we can stay in curiosity and wonder – open to what is. From that place our partner starts to feel heard and acknowledged. Being open and curious doesn’t mean we have to agree, however if we listen to their perspective and allow ourselves the opportunity to see it their way we can begin to understand where they are coming from. With practice, it’s possible to talk about our different points of view and come to a decision about how we would like to hold our mutual perspectives and move on.
Ideally, if both partners are willing you can come to an agreement about how you would like to be together when things are going well and especially when they are not. With a little research we can find all kinds of ways to manage perpetually ‘emotionally loaded’ conversations. The work of John Gottman Ph.D in particular has lots of great information on how to mitigate the risk of escalating conflict. Gottman observed that couples who resolved conflict with positivity 4 out of 5 times would stay together.
To take it a step further we can permanently resolve the underlying emotional energy that is provoked in us when our partner displays behaviors we don’t like. By being aware of the physical sensations in our body we can feel into these sensations and release the energy that is causing our emotional reaction. Eventually it will become easy to be curious and listen and not need to control the situation, as I did in my earlier example. Also, in retrospect if I could have seen that he was operating from his own conditioning I might have recognized the pattern of venting one’s frustration when you get home from work was probably modeled by his father. I wonder what would have happened to our relationship if I had resolved my emotional conditioning and become more empathetic towards him?
Ultimately, the only person we have any control over is ourselves, however if we are curious about what is happening on both sides we can open up some room for things to change. Holding ourselves and our partners in a loving way creates space to feel accepted for who we are and encourages us to take the risk of letting go of old ways of being.
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Relationship Intentions
February is here and Valentines Day is around the corner. On this auspicious day many of us give our sweethearts a gift, do something special or go out for dinner. We celebrate the day treating our loved ones with special care. What about the rest of the year? How do you treat your loved one?
What could happen in your relationship if you actually chose how you would like to treat your loved one? Set an intention for your relationship and then practice being that way for the rest of the year. Magic is possible.
We often think that we are the way we are and that we can’t change the way we are being. This is absolutely false. For several years now I have been setting intentions for how I want to feel and what I wish to experience and seeing desired results. And, I believe that if we can choose to change who we are being, it only makes sense that we actively choose who we would like to be in relationship too.
I have also observed my colleage Jacque actively setting intentions, about how she shows up in this world, and for who she would like to be. She is now substantially different than who she was when I met her. Two years ago when Jacque got divorced she set the intention to be calm and bring her relationship to a close from a place of grace and ease. I watched her do this successfully. Now she’s exploring a new relationship and once again has the opportunity to set an intention for this relationship experience. When setting an intention for relationship we actively choose our ideal experience.
Jacque talks about Relationship Intentions
The questions to ask yourself are: How would I like to be? What is the experience I would like to have? How would I like to feel?
For example I would like to be:
• Treating others with love
• Flexible, supportive
• Curious, coming from a place of wonder
The experience I would like to have is:
• Fun
• Learning & growth
• Sacred Connection
I would like to feel:
• Deeply loved
• Enjoyment
• Intimacy
So now you are probably thinking: yes I can want all of these things, but what happens if my partner doesn’t want what I want or doesn’t behave in a way that supports me to feel this way? This is a very good question, because we cannot control other people’s behaviours, the only influence we have is by changing our own behaviour. We can, however create our own reality. This means we need to treat ourselves, and our partners the way we want to be treated and then invite them to join us. Then we start having the experience of being treated this way.
To experience learning we need to be curious and self-reflective. To feel love we need to treat others with love. When we start being who we want to be we will start having the feelings that we want to have. As you start treating your partner from this place consistently, don’t be surprised if their behaviour towards you starts to change and you start receiving more of what it is that you want.
So, what is missing in your relationship? Who are you willing to become to get it?
Wishing you a blissful relationship.
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Quote: You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. ~Wayne W. Dyer
What could happen in your relationship if you actually chose how you would like to treat your loved one? Set an intention for your relationship and then practice being that way for the rest of the year. Magic is possible.
We often think that we are the way we are and that we can’t change the way we are being. This is absolutely false. For several years now I have been setting intentions for how I want to feel and what I wish to experience and seeing desired results. And, I believe that if we can choose to change who we are being, it only makes sense that we actively choose who we would like to be in relationship too.
I have also observed my colleage Jacque actively setting intentions, about how she shows up in this world, and for who she would like to be. She is now substantially different than who she was when I met her. Two years ago when Jacque got divorced she set the intention to be calm and bring her relationship to a close from a place of grace and ease. I watched her do this successfully. Now she’s exploring a new relationship and once again has the opportunity to set an intention for this relationship experience. When setting an intention for relationship we actively choose our ideal experience.
Jacque talks about Relationship Intentions
The questions to ask yourself are: How would I like to be? What is the experience I would like to have? How would I like to feel?
For example I would like to be:
• Treating others with love
• Flexible, supportive
• Curious, coming from a place of wonder
The experience I would like to have is:
• Fun
• Learning & growth
• Sacred Connection
I would like to feel:
• Deeply loved
• Enjoyment
• Intimacy
So now you are probably thinking: yes I can want all of these things, but what happens if my partner doesn’t want what I want or doesn’t behave in a way that supports me to feel this way? This is a very good question, because we cannot control other people’s behaviours, the only influence we have is by changing our own behaviour. We can, however create our own reality. This means we need to treat ourselves, and our partners the way we want to be treated and then invite them to join us. Then we start having the experience of being treated this way.
To experience learning we need to be curious and self-reflective. To feel love we need to treat others with love. When we start being who we want to be we will start having the feelings that we want to have. As you start treating your partner from this place consistently, don’t be surprised if their behaviour towards you starts to change and you start receiving more of what it is that you want.
So, what is missing in your relationship? Who are you willing to become to get it?
Wishing you a blissful relationship.
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Quote: You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. ~Wayne W. Dyer
How to Have Your Relationship Needs Met
Relationships can be disappointing. Often we look for something from others and don’t receive it. At work this might be having a job well done or consistently achieved business goals go unrecognized. In personal relationships it could be our partner is not expressing love in the way we want to receive it. When we deeply desire or need to receive recognition or love and it doesn’t happen, we feel hurt and conflict arises.
Let’s define desire as something we would like to have happen, but are unattached to it happening, and need as being attached to an outcome. In many cases the other person is not aware of your desire to begin with so the first thing to remember in getting what we want is to communicate with a clear request. From the female perspective, it might be: “I would love you to give me a hug when you get home from work.”
If we make the request and are not attached to whether our partner gives us a hug or not it remains a desire. However, an unmet desire escalates to a need when charged emotional energy is attached to the outcome. “The mind writes a story that sounds something like, “My partner doesn’t show me any love, I have asked him to hug me and he never hugs me, I really need him to show me love, I feel empty inside because he is not connecting with me.”
On the other hand, men generally have a desire to decompress and be silent when they get home from a long day at work. They may have been in meetings all day, battled bumper to bumper traffic on the way home and just want to chill out when they walk in the door. In fact, they might have a need to talk about how bad their day was before zoning out in front of the TV or retreating to the garage. Heaven forbid if she wants to share her day first!
This almost guarantees a communication breakdown, especially if being heard is a need occurring on both the feminine and masculine side. A cycle of conflict begins when he feels unloved because she is not giving him space nor is she showing him respect by listening to his concerns about work. That’s when the man starts to withdraw from the relationship. At the same time the woman feels unloved because he is not showing her affection nor listening to her when he comes home. Now both have unmet needs and believe that if the other person really loved them, they would recognize and respond to their needs.
Once you recognize the downward spiral of feeling unloved is occurring, there are two ways to deal with it. First, have a conversation about it and come to an agreement about how to deal with this dynamic. This is applying a logical outcome to what is largely an emotional situation. The second solution is to resolve the underlying emotional conditioning that has both people caught in a need rather than a desire.
To implement the communication strategy, the first step is recognizing the dynamic is occurring and then come to a mutual understanding about it. Second you need to share in behaviorally specific terms what you want to have happen and make this specific request of your partner without any attachment that he/she will agree. When you have made the request you also need to listen to what the other person wants and define a scenario that would work for both of you. This can be a challenge if you both have to have your specific needs met ‘your way’ in order to feel loved.
The second solution is resolving the underlying emotional conditioning that causes both partners to feel unloved in the first place. Requiring a partner to express love in a certain way is connected to our need to feel loved in order to be whole and complete. When we feel the need to be loved, we are looking for love outside of ourselves, rather than feeling a sense of love from within. When we feel love from within, we may have a desire for certain actions from our partner, but we can be very flexible with what a negotiated solution looks likes. Having the outcome be the way we want it, has nothing to do with love.
When we have resolved our underlying conditioning and make clear requests of our partners with no attachment to the outcome we arrive at optimum solutions for the relationship. We are able to express ourselves lovingly and be more flexible in our requirements of the relationship. Maybe you can offer to give the hug you want instead of asking for it!
Wishing you much love,
Lynne Brisdon
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Let’s define desire as something we would like to have happen, but are unattached to it happening, and need as being attached to an outcome. In many cases the other person is not aware of your desire to begin with so the first thing to remember in getting what we want is to communicate with a clear request. From the female perspective, it might be: “I would love you to give me a hug when you get home from work.”
If we make the request and are not attached to whether our partner gives us a hug or not it remains a desire. However, an unmet desire escalates to a need when charged emotional energy is attached to the outcome. “The mind writes a story that sounds something like, “My partner doesn’t show me any love, I have asked him to hug me and he never hugs me, I really need him to show me love, I feel empty inside because he is not connecting with me.”
On the other hand, men generally have a desire to decompress and be silent when they get home from a long day at work. They may have been in meetings all day, battled bumper to bumper traffic on the way home and just want to chill out when they walk in the door. In fact, they might have a need to talk about how bad their day was before zoning out in front of the TV or retreating to the garage. Heaven forbid if she wants to share her day first!
This almost guarantees a communication breakdown, especially if being heard is a need occurring on both the feminine and masculine side. A cycle of conflict begins when he feels unloved because she is not giving him space nor is she showing him respect by listening to his concerns about work. That’s when the man starts to withdraw from the relationship. At the same time the woman feels unloved because he is not showing her affection nor listening to her when he comes home. Now both have unmet needs and believe that if the other person really loved them, they would recognize and respond to their needs.
Once you recognize the downward spiral of feeling unloved is occurring, there are two ways to deal with it. First, have a conversation about it and come to an agreement about how to deal with this dynamic. This is applying a logical outcome to what is largely an emotional situation. The second solution is to resolve the underlying emotional conditioning that has both people caught in a need rather than a desire.
To implement the communication strategy, the first step is recognizing the dynamic is occurring and then come to a mutual understanding about it. Second you need to share in behaviorally specific terms what you want to have happen and make this specific request of your partner without any attachment that he/she will agree. When you have made the request you also need to listen to what the other person wants and define a scenario that would work for both of you. This can be a challenge if you both have to have your specific needs met ‘your way’ in order to feel loved.
The second solution is resolving the underlying emotional conditioning that causes both partners to feel unloved in the first place. Requiring a partner to express love in a certain way is connected to our need to feel loved in order to be whole and complete. When we feel the need to be loved, we are looking for love outside of ourselves, rather than feeling a sense of love from within. When we feel love from within, we may have a desire for certain actions from our partner, but we can be very flexible with what a negotiated solution looks likes. Having the outcome be the way we want it, has nothing to do with love.
When we have resolved our underlying conditioning and make clear requests of our partners with no attachment to the outcome we arrive at optimum solutions for the relationship. We are able to express ourselves lovingly and be more flexible in our requirements of the relationship. Maybe you can offer to give the hug you want instead of asking for it!
Wishing you much love,
Lynne Brisdon
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Friday, December 3, 2010
Improve Leadership With Personal Development
What makes a great leader? Leadership capacity is directly linked to the level of self awareness embodied by the leader. While visiting a consultant friend recently, he shared a model he developed and delivers to senior engineering executives which demonstrates this point. Knowing their purpose, passion and what brings meaning into their life has a direct impact on how credibly leaders are viewed by their employees (or followers) and peers. When they express themselves authentically there is a congruency between what they say, what they do and what they stand behind. Consequently people are much more likely to rally around them.
The following week I was gifted with a book on leadership, entitled “Who You Are is How Your Lead” written by Gail Gibson, founding faculty member of the, Certified Executive Coach Program and Masters in Leadership Program at Royal Roads. In the book Gibson presents a model which identifies awareness, choice and personal responsibility as attributes of Conscious Leadership, and these attributes are supported by trust and courage. The results are growing people and effective organizations.
As I’m reading my head is nodding affirmatively, each point she make resonates so deeply with the messages I’ve been sharing. For example “Being conscious means being fully aware, and personally responsible for the impact you have on the world as well as being able to effectively manage the impact the world has on you.”
The term Conscious Leadership coined by Lance Secretan another leadership expert and author, is further explained in his foreword to Gibson’s book, “We are one, and the world would be a better place if we loved each other,,, Simply put, our notions of separateness are no longer appropriate in the conditions now facing humanity and our planet. As leaders we inspire when we awake to the principles of oneness.
When I pollute my backyard, I pollute the world. When I inspire just one person I brighten the world… When I teach a noble lesson I add to the progress of humanity. When I inflate my departmental budget, I constrain someone else’s… Whatever I think, feel, say or do changes the world.”
Does this sound like metaphysics to you? Secretan suggests it could be, and it can also be viewed as pragmatic description of reality.
I was fortunate to learn these principles several years ago, and in my own career path found self awareness and self-responsibility to be most helpful in navigating the leadership territories I’ve encountered. Being ‘leaderful’ or taking responsibility rather than waiting until I had my Director’s attention and guidance, was fundamental in quickly moving up the ladder when I worked in a large educational institution. Taking the time to consider how he would view the situation and determine what was best for everyone concerned earned me his and my colleague’s respect. Being attuned to others motivations also helped me to encourage and engage the people who worked along with me and to mitigate potentially conflicted situations.
At the time I didn’t talk much about how I learned to empathize with others to determine what their motivations were. As a student of metaphysics I had learned to heal and read people’s energetic fields (auras). I figured people would think I was a bit of a flake.
Now when I hear and read about how the principles of personal development are fundamental to becoming inspiring, conscious, authentic leaders, it all sounds very familiar!
So as we all awaken and become more self actualized we need people who are equally attuned to lead us. As a coach I meet many who have left the corporate sector and are healing themselves after having worked within the old model of command and control leadership.
If you are on the leadership track, and would like to become better at engaging others or simply want to manage yourself in a more effective and leaderful way its imperative you get to know yourself better. It’s not about maneuvering people to do what you want, it’s about knowing yourself deeply to express yourself authentically, be highly self responsible, respond with integrity to the best of your ability and be INSPIRING. This is what fuels motivation.
Quote:
The following week I was gifted with a book on leadership, entitled “Who You Are is How Your Lead” written by Gail Gibson, founding faculty member of the, Certified Executive Coach Program and Masters in Leadership Program at Royal Roads. In the book Gibson presents a model which identifies awareness, choice and personal responsibility as attributes of Conscious Leadership, and these attributes are supported by trust and courage. The results are growing people and effective organizations.
As I’m reading my head is nodding affirmatively, each point she make resonates so deeply with the messages I’ve been sharing. For example “Being conscious means being fully aware, and personally responsible for the impact you have on the world as well as being able to effectively manage the impact the world has on you.”
The term Conscious Leadership coined by Lance Secretan another leadership expert and author, is further explained in his foreword to Gibson’s book, “We are one, and the world would be a better place if we loved each other,,, Simply put, our notions of separateness are no longer appropriate in the conditions now facing humanity and our planet. As leaders we inspire when we awake to the principles of oneness.
When I pollute my backyard, I pollute the world. When I inspire just one person I brighten the world… When I teach a noble lesson I add to the progress of humanity. When I inflate my departmental budget, I constrain someone else’s… Whatever I think, feel, say or do changes the world.”
Does this sound like metaphysics to you? Secretan suggests it could be, and it can also be viewed as pragmatic description of reality.
I was fortunate to learn these principles several years ago, and in my own career path found self awareness and self-responsibility to be most helpful in navigating the leadership territories I’ve encountered. Being ‘leaderful’ or taking responsibility rather than waiting until I had my Director’s attention and guidance, was fundamental in quickly moving up the ladder when I worked in a large educational institution. Taking the time to consider how he would view the situation and determine what was best for everyone concerned earned me his and my colleague’s respect. Being attuned to others motivations also helped me to encourage and engage the people who worked along with me and to mitigate potentially conflicted situations.
At the time I didn’t talk much about how I learned to empathize with others to determine what their motivations were. As a student of metaphysics I had learned to heal and read people’s energetic fields (auras). I figured people would think I was a bit of a flake.
Now when I hear and read about how the principles of personal development are fundamental to becoming inspiring, conscious, authentic leaders, it all sounds very familiar!
So as we all awaken and become more self actualized we need people who are equally attuned to lead us. As a coach I meet many who have left the corporate sector and are healing themselves after having worked within the old model of command and control leadership.
If you are on the leadership track, and would like to become better at engaging others or simply want to manage yourself in a more effective and leaderful way its imperative you get to know yourself better. It’s not about maneuvering people to do what you want, it’s about knowing yourself deeply to express yourself authentically, be highly self responsible, respond with integrity to the best of your ability and be INSPIRING. This is what fuels motivation.
Quote:
” Leaders must know themselves thoroughly before the can hope to lead others:. Warren Bennis, Institute of Noetic Sciences
Monday, November 1, 2010
Who Needs Personal Development at Work?
While trends in the past few years have advocated bringing your whole self to work, the prevailing culture in many industries still expects employees to leave their personal stuff at the door and stick to business when on the job. It seems the move toward openness has been brushed off the side of the desk in favor of leaner operations with the current economy. This kind of ‘fluff’ just doesn’t impact the bottom line that much. Or does it?
How much productivity is impeded by workplace conflict and resistance to change? Adapting to changes in the marketplace requires innovation and creativity. Typically the mantra of go to work, keep your head down, get the job done and go home does not inspire much innovation or creativity.
Read more about Creativity in the Workplace
I started on the personal development track over twenty years ago when I realized the future I had envisioned wasn’t being offered to me. Rather than blaming my upbringing or being victim to economic factors, I needed to take responsibility for improving my life. Beyond upgrading my education it was evident my self-concepts were not serving me well. Extremely afraid of being judged, when someone in authority asked to speak with me the fear of being in trouble froze me on the spot. In developing self awareness I began to see how past conditioning affected everything I heard, felt and saw. Imagine my relief when the boss was simply asking if I could contribute to a project proposal. I would have been even more enthusiastic and spontaneously creative without the fear of saying or doing something wrong.
With self-awareness, I became aware when others were stuck in their own stuff. Consequently, if someone I was working with was being demanding it didn’t serve me to get defensive or resistant. Instead I would be curious about what was driving their behavior, empathize and offer solutions where appropriate. Whatever they were dealing with wasn’t about me at all.
Working with business owners for 10 years I have noticed that those who choose self employment to avoid conflicts with authority in traditional work settings often made a big mistake. Rather than freeing themselves from conflict by starting their own business, they were setting themselves up for failure. When you run your own business it is imperative to have impeccable respectful relationships with everyone: your customers, your employees and most importantly new prospects.
Being present to what others are dealing with personally, develops rapport, strengthens relationships and makes it easier to collaborate when the need arises. There have been countless times when listening to my colleague’s personal challenges has strengthened the bonds of trust between us. They are infinitely more willing to respond to a request from me because they know I genuinely care about them.
In retrospect it is apparent that Personal Development: self awareness, taking 100% responsibility for how I respond, and being able to respond to situations with the best of my ability has served my career path very well. I leveraged a two year diploma program in media resources and 10 years of production coordination experience into a Program Coordinator position in a well respected educational institution without any further academic education. My personal (spiritual) development and coach training gave me the skills to become a business coach. My commitment to personal development has allowed me to experience a great deal of joy and happiness in my work and a rewarding path for my business.
So who needs personal development in the workplace? We all do: for advancement and to adapt to changing times. Whether your take it upon yourself to get it as I did or engage in programs your workplace provides it is a worthwhile investment.
Imagine what our businesses and workplaces would be like if everyone was self aware, 100% responsible, and responding to the needs of the moment with the best of their ability; I’d want to work there, wouldn’t you?
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
http://www.workeasy4lifebalance.com/
Quote: George Kneller: To think creatively, we must be able to look afresh at what we normally take for granted.
How much productivity is impeded by workplace conflict and resistance to change? Adapting to changes in the marketplace requires innovation and creativity. Typically the mantra of go to work, keep your head down, get the job done and go home does not inspire much innovation or creativity.
Read more about Creativity in the Workplace
I started on the personal development track over twenty years ago when I realized the future I had envisioned wasn’t being offered to me. Rather than blaming my upbringing or being victim to economic factors, I needed to take responsibility for improving my life. Beyond upgrading my education it was evident my self-concepts were not serving me well. Extremely afraid of being judged, when someone in authority asked to speak with me the fear of being in trouble froze me on the spot. In developing self awareness I began to see how past conditioning affected everything I heard, felt and saw. Imagine my relief when the boss was simply asking if I could contribute to a project proposal. I would have been even more enthusiastic and spontaneously creative without the fear of saying or doing something wrong.
With self-awareness, I became aware when others were stuck in their own stuff. Consequently, if someone I was working with was being demanding it didn’t serve me to get defensive or resistant. Instead I would be curious about what was driving their behavior, empathize and offer solutions where appropriate. Whatever they were dealing with wasn’t about me at all.
Working with business owners for 10 years I have noticed that those who choose self employment to avoid conflicts with authority in traditional work settings often made a big mistake. Rather than freeing themselves from conflict by starting their own business, they were setting themselves up for failure. When you run your own business it is imperative to have impeccable respectful relationships with everyone: your customers, your employees and most importantly new prospects.
Being present to what others are dealing with personally, develops rapport, strengthens relationships and makes it easier to collaborate when the need arises. There have been countless times when listening to my colleague’s personal challenges has strengthened the bonds of trust between us. They are infinitely more willing to respond to a request from me because they know I genuinely care about them.
In retrospect it is apparent that Personal Development: self awareness, taking 100% responsibility for how I respond, and being able to respond to situations with the best of my ability has served my career path very well. I leveraged a two year diploma program in media resources and 10 years of production coordination experience into a Program Coordinator position in a well respected educational institution without any further academic education. My personal (spiritual) development and coach training gave me the skills to become a business coach. My commitment to personal development has allowed me to experience a great deal of joy and happiness in my work and a rewarding path for my business.
So who needs personal development in the workplace? We all do: for advancement and to adapt to changing times. Whether your take it upon yourself to get it as I did or engage in programs your workplace provides it is a worthwhile investment.
Imagine what our businesses and workplaces would be like if everyone was self aware, 100% responsible, and responding to the needs of the moment with the best of their ability; I’d want to work there, wouldn’t you?
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
http://www.workeasy4lifebalance.com/
Quote: George Kneller: To think creatively, we must be able to look afresh at what we normally take for granted.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Why bother with Personal Development?
It seems there are two predominant views on the area of Personal Development. One is from the initiated, who are committed to improving themselves and the other is from those who view it as fluff with no real relevance. The latter views the initiate as being on some quest for self improvement which is never fulfilled; they seem to be driven by some sense of being flawed. While those who see it as fluff are seen by initiates to be unaware and stuck in their thinking.
So what are the real benefits of doing personal development work? The initiates will tell you they are much happier and more content with their lives. How do they get there?
Why Self Improvement gets a bad rap
Completing your education or getting credentials for career advancement is always a good investment. And, certainly there is wisdom and humility in recognizing we don't know it all and can always learn something new. But where Self Improvement gets judged is when there is a constant quest for needing to fix oneself that is never quite satisfied. This usually comes from having an internal message of not being good enough and being broken in some way. This is the case for the person who gets stuck in the self improvement cycle. What they really need is to uncover their underlying beliefs and take a whole new approach to personal development.
What is Personal Development?
It can be broken down into three simple aspects:
1. Being self-aware
2. Taking 100% responsibility for everything that is occurring in your life
3. Being resourceful and responding appropriately to a given situation.
Being self-aware is the ability to be aware of your thinking, feelings and actions. Being aware of thinking is noticing that you are thinking and what your internal conversations are. These one-sided conversations are going on constantly. Feelings are physical sensations which occur in your body and they contain information, about what is working or not working for you. It’s a challenge for most people to be totally aware of these feelings. We've done an excellent job of suppressing the gentle and persistent messages telling us all is not well. Regardless, our actions are in response to our thinking and feelings. If you are not feeling calm and well grounded, nor thinking clearly your reactions could likely impact others negatively.
Taking 100% responsibility for everything in your life, requires self-awareness. Taking responsibility means you are no longer a victim who blames others for what is occurring. Standing in your own power, you fully accept your choice for what occurs in life. Currently, I am only carrying a partial client coaching load. I could blame the down turn in the economy or how my part-time Business Coaching job keeps me from seeking and retaining new clients. In taking 100% responsibility, I recognize the truth is I have also chosen to complete a business counsellor certification, contribute to my business and coaching community and attend to family matters.
Being resourceful is being able to respond to situations rather than reacting to them. From a centered and calm place you are able to respond appropriately to the given situation. Given my reduced income, I could be reacting and worrying about finances and undertake a flurry of activity to rebuild clientele. Instead I choose to keep my focus on being fully present with the people I meet and connect with them in a meaningful way. I can trust myself to show up authentically and attract people who are seeking my services, rather than mold myself into something I think they are looking for. With this focus it is easier for me to hear what is going on for people and genuinely offer new possibilities or solutions.
Fixing versus Growing
You could look at Self Improvement as fixing what you don’t like about yourself. This perspective assumes that there is something in you that is broken. It is a perspective that comes from a place of being critical and judgemental. The primary judgement is: the way you are is not good enough. Often the question is not about being good enough, but with feeling unhappy or generally dissatisfied. If you ask yourself, “Am I feeling the way I want to feel?” and the answer is NO, then you may want to engage in self-discovery through personal development.
A more useful perspective is to come from a place of inspired growth instead of needing fixing. This involves setting an intention for how you would like to be as life unfolds and how you would like to feel.
My intention is to live enthusiastically, joyfully experiencing vitality, ease, wonder and meaningful connection with others. Spiritually present.
Life is an adventure and I undertake growth in a way that’s feels fun and do it with a sense of vibrancy. There is nothing wrong with me. However, by continuing to grow I have an opportunity to thrive and live the life I fully desire.
What is your intention for the life you desire?
Wishing you an inspired life!
Lynne Brisdon, PCC, and Jacque Small, CEC
(collaborative authors of this monthly newsletter)
"And the day came when the risk of remaining tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. "Anais Nin
So what are the real benefits of doing personal development work? The initiates will tell you they are much happier and more content with their lives. How do they get there?
Why Self Improvement gets a bad rap
Completing your education or getting credentials for career advancement is always a good investment. And, certainly there is wisdom and humility in recognizing we don't know it all and can always learn something new. But where Self Improvement gets judged is when there is a constant quest for needing to fix oneself that is never quite satisfied. This usually comes from having an internal message of not being good enough and being broken in some way. This is the case for the person who gets stuck in the self improvement cycle. What they really need is to uncover their underlying beliefs and take a whole new approach to personal development.
What is Personal Development?
It can be broken down into three simple aspects:
1. Being self-aware
2. Taking 100% responsibility for everything that is occurring in your life
3. Being resourceful and responding appropriately to a given situation.
Being self-aware is the ability to be aware of your thinking, feelings and actions. Being aware of thinking is noticing that you are thinking and what your internal conversations are. These one-sided conversations are going on constantly. Feelings are physical sensations which occur in your body and they contain information, about what is working or not working for you. It’s a challenge for most people to be totally aware of these feelings. We've done an excellent job of suppressing the gentle and persistent messages telling us all is not well. Regardless, our actions are in response to our thinking and feelings. If you are not feeling calm and well grounded, nor thinking clearly your reactions could likely impact others negatively.
Taking 100% responsibility for everything in your life, requires self-awareness. Taking responsibility means you are no longer a victim who blames others for what is occurring. Standing in your own power, you fully accept your choice for what occurs in life. Currently, I am only carrying a partial client coaching load. I could blame the down turn in the economy or how my part-time Business Coaching job keeps me from seeking and retaining new clients. In taking 100% responsibility, I recognize the truth is I have also chosen to complete a business counsellor certification, contribute to my business and coaching community and attend to family matters.
Being resourceful is being able to respond to situations rather than reacting to them. From a centered and calm place you are able to respond appropriately to the given situation. Given my reduced income, I could be reacting and worrying about finances and undertake a flurry of activity to rebuild clientele. Instead I choose to keep my focus on being fully present with the people I meet and connect with them in a meaningful way. I can trust myself to show up authentically and attract people who are seeking my services, rather than mold myself into something I think they are looking for. With this focus it is easier for me to hear what is going on for people and genuinely offer new possibilities or solutions.
Fixing versus Growing
You could look at Self Improvement as fixing what you don’t like about yourself. This perspective assumes that there is something in you that is broken. It is a perspective that comes from a place of being critical and judgemental. The primary judgement is: the way you are is not good enough. Often the question is not about being good enough, but with feeling unhappy or generally dissatisfied. If you ask yourself, “Am I feeling the way I want to feel?” and the answer is NO, then you may want to engage in self-discovery through personal development.
A more useful perspective is to come from a place of inspired growth instead of needing fixing. This involves setting an intention for how you would like to be as life unfolds and how you would like to feel.
My intention is to live enthusiastically, joyfully experiencing vitality, ease, wonder and meaningful connection with others. Spiritually present.
Life is an adventure and I undertake growth in a way that’s feels fun and do it with a sense of vibrancy. There is nothing wrong with me. However, by continuing to grow I have an opportunity to thrive and live the life I fully desire.
What is your intention for the life you desire?
Wishing you an inspired life!
Lynne Brisdon, PCC, and Jacque Small, CEC
(collaborative authors of this monthly newsletter)
"And the day came when the risk of remaining tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. "Anais Nin
Have Emotional Hot Buttons Stopped You from Taking Vacation?
This article appeared in the August Living In Vision Newsletter. I'm actually taking my vacation in October though - timing it to visit a planetary power spot on 10-10-10.
***
In August almost everything shuts down for most of us to take a vacation. How many of you are feeling guilty and anxious about taking time away from your work or business?
In his book “The Diamond Cutter” Geshe Michael Roche, states we should keep our minds and bodies in good health to enjoy the money we make. Subtitled, ‘The Bhudda on Managing Your Business and Your Life’ Roche advocates taking silent time each day to clear the mind of mental afflictions and to step away from the work cycle each year for self reflection and rejuvenation.
When I had a full-time job, much as I looked forward to the ‘escape’ each vacation offered, I worried beforehand knowing there would be a pile of work to come back to and worked doubly hard before I left to minimize this. Now that I’m self employed I worry about missed opportunities, as well as work piling up in my absence.
What happens if we avoid taking a vacation due to the nagging voices of doubt and concern? What happens if we pretend we are taking a vacation and take our laptop or Blackberry (I-phone) along?
“Skipping vacations could actually be dangerous to your health," according to Brooks Gump, Ph.D., co-author of a State University of New York at Oswego study.
The study found that men who take vacations every year reduce their overall risk of death by about 20 percent, and their risk of death from heart disease by as much as 30 percent. A similar study discovered that women who vacation at least twice a year have 50% less chance of developing coronary heart disease or any other serious heart problems. Those who took no vacations had the highest death rate overall.
"Vacations have a protective effect because they help you reduce your load of stress, or at least allow you to take a break from the everyday stressors of the workplace,"*
Even with evidence to support taking vacations many tend to avoid them or work while on vacation. The rationalization being that if they keep working they won’t be so overwhelmed later or miss business opportunities. Hoping to rejuvenate by taking a few days here and there, doesn’t do the trick. Those who attempt this actually end up catching up on errands; they are not taking the necessary 5 – 7 days to unwind. Two full weeks is recommended for optimal health benefits.
If you have been avoiding making plans for this year’s vacation we invite you to look beyond the mental chatter that says, ‘I don’t have time, don’t have enough money, it will be too expensive, I’ll be passed over for promotions, my business will collapse, there is no one to cover for me; generally – something bad will happen if I go away’. These thoughts are a product of your emotional hot buttons and they are getting in the way of your health and well being.
And if that’s not enough to change your mind consider this. A recent study showed that for every dollar of vacation benefits provided to employees, companies receive a $3 return on the benefit investment in the form of improved employee productivity and morale.*
So go ahead and plan a guilt free vacation you deserve it. Leave your electronic devices at home or turn them off except for emergency situations like booking tickets to a fun event in some far away place. If the idea of this causes a knot in your stomach, a pain in your chest or hands begin to sweat, give me a call to remove your hot buttons so you can take some time away to pause, rejuvenate, reflect, and dream up whatever is next for you. That is assuming you call when I am at work, because I can't hear my phone when I am riding my motorcycle.
*Workopolis
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
Maria Robinson
***
In August almost everything shuts down for most of us to take a vacation. How many of you are feeling guilty and anxious about taking time away from your work or business?
In his book “The Diamond Cutter” Geshe Michael Roche, states we should keep our minds and bodies in good health to enjoy the money we make. Subtitled, ‘The Bhudda on Managing Your Business and Your Life’ Roche advocates taking silent time each day to clear the mind of mental afflictions and to step away from the work cycle each year for self reflection and rejuvenation.
When I had a full-time job, much as I looked forward to the ‘escape’ each vacation offered, I worried beforehand knowing there would be a pile of work to come back to and worked doubly hard before I left to minimize this. Now that I’m self employed I worry about missed opportunities, as well as work piling up in my absence.
What happens if we avoid taking a vacation due to the nagging voices of doubt and concern? What happens if we pretend we are taking a vacation and take our laptop or Blackberry (I-phone) along?
“Skipping vacations could actually be dangerous to your health," according to Brooks Gump, Ph.D., co-author of a State University of New York at Oswego study.
The study found that men who take vacations every year reduce their overall risk of death by about 20 percent, and their risk of death from heart disease by as much as 30 percent. A similar study discovered that women who vacation at least twice a year have 50% less chance of developing coronary heart disease or any other serious heart problems. Those who took no vacations had the highest death rate overall.
"Vacations have a protective effect because they help you reduce your load of stress, or at least allow you to take a break from the everyday stressors of the workplace,"*
Even with evidence to support taking vacations many tend to avoid them or work while on vacation. The rationalization being that if they keep working they won’t be so overwhelmed later or miss business opportunities. Hoping to rejuvenate by taking a few days here and there, doesn’t do the trick. Those who attempt this actually end up catching up on errands; they are not taking the necessary 5 – 7 days to unwind. Two full weeks is recommended for optimal health benefits.
If you have been avoiding making plans for this year’s vacation we invite you to look beyond the mental chatter that says, ‘I don’t have time, don’t have enough money, it will be too expensive, I’ll be passed over for promotions, my business will collapse, there is no one to cover for me; generally – something bad will happen if I go away’. These thoughts are a product of your emotional hot buttons and they are getting in the way of your health and well being.
And if that’s not enough to change your mind consider this. A recent study showed that for every dollar of vacation benefits provided to employees, companies receive a $3 return on the benefit investment in the form of improved employee productivity and morale.*
So go ahead and plan a guilt free vacation you deserve it. Leave your electronic devices at home or turn them off except for emergency situations like booking tickets to a fun event in some far away place. If the idea of this causes a knot in your stomach, a pain in your chest or hands begin to sweat, give me a call to remove your hot buttons so you can take some time away to pause, rejuvenate, reflect, and dream up whatever is next for you. That is assuming you call when I am at work, because I can't hear my phone when I am riding my motorcycle.
*Workopolis
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
Maria Robinson
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