We spend a lot of time talking about intimate relationships,
but how do you know if you have one?
You may be complaining to your girlfriends about how
your man is controlling, or won’t have conversations with you, or spends too
much time golfing. Your man on the other
hand may be suffering in silence wondering why you complain so much, or why he
doesn’t have the ideal sex life.
Or maybe you think you have a really great relationship; you
talk about any major decisions you need to make, such as buying a
car, problems at work, and issues with your kids. Sure there are some things that you wished
would be different, but for the most part you respect your partner and just
choose to let go of things that don’t seem to work.
So even though you have a good relationship, how would you
know if you are actually making the most of it?
We defer to Robert Masters who has worked as a psychotherapist and
teacher since 1977. In his book "Transformation Through
Intimacy", he outlines four stages of relationships, which we have
summarized here and covered more fully in blog posts.
We can use a variety of signs and behaviors to recognize the
stage in which we are operating. As our relationships grow, we continue to
include the earlier stages, although how we relate to these stages becomes more
mature. As we move through each stage there is an increasing depth to our
relationships.
The
Four Stages of Relationships
Stage One: Me Centered Relationships
Stage one is a me-centered relationship run by the ego. The
ego of one partner usually dominates that of the other partner. In this stage each
person is focused on “What is in it for me?” There is usually an uneasy
coalition of some sort, with very little intimacy.
Stage Two: We Centered Co-dependent Relationships
Stage two, the second more advanced relationship stage is the
we-centered co-dependent relationship where equality is highly valued and
differences may get flattened out. The couple acts as one and cultivates a
guarded separation from whatever exists outside. Partners negotiate over what
would best serve the relationship. The betrayal that occurs is that the
potential of each individual is devalued in favor of the safety and comfort
provided by the relationship.
Stage Three: We Centered Co-independent Relationships
In stage three, a we-centered co-independent relationship,
both partners make it a priority to maintain their individuality while still
working together in partnership. They negotiate over differences and take more
personal risks. Autonomy, although much more adult than in me-centered relationships,
is often given too much weight. More maturity and a deeper sense of connection
are present than in Stage One. However,
conflict is avoided to preserve the illusion of a safe, skirmish-free
relationship.
Stage Four: Being Centered Relationships
The being-centered relationship of stage four contains all
the qualities of the previous three stages. The difference is that the couple
does not act out the qualities of the other stages; they relate to those
qualities instead. The relationship is rooted in shared love, power, depth, and
presence. This stage is characterized by ever-deepening passion where the
couple can explore places and patterns in themselves that they would otherwise
avoid. The relationship becomes a place where both people can work through
their childhood conditioning in a loving and supported way.
In the first two stages of relationship, couples often stay
together more for security and comfort than for real intimacy. Masters points
out that there is often “a mutual pact not to rock the boat, while trying to
find some pleasure midst its stagnant or tepid waters.” He continues to say
that, “sloppy dialogues, emotional illiteracy, go-nowhere arguments, little
cruelties, everyday stupidities, mismatched desires, mechanical rituals,
half-heartedness, putting off what needs to be done—these are some of the
things that clutter me-centered and we-centered relationships.”
The Ideal Relationship
Masters proposes that in stage four, “our relationship with
our beloved is a sacred container which we are deeply committed to taking good
care of and protecting.” The relationship is a place where we are supported to
learn, grow and evolve in this world to be the person that each of us would
ideally like to be. Together we can find
greater freedom, joy, and happiness when we are able to enter into a
fourth-stage relationship and support each to have the kind of life that each
of us most desires.
Self-Reflection Questions
- What stage is your relationship operating at?
- What stage are you operating at in your relationship?
- What could you do differently to operate at a higher stage?
