Ever notice how it’s the people we’re closest to who push our buttons. What if we considered them a mirror for our own growth and learning?
What usually happens is we look at the other and judge: we don’t like what they’re doing. We think ‘They hurt me,’ or ‘I’m jealous’. We have judgments about how they handle money, or parenting. We don’t like how they deal with children, extended family, how they approach sexual intimacy, their work focus (or lack thereof).
All these topics are major focal points for dissent in relationships. We observe the other’s behavior, our ego judges them. It’s like looking through an invisible wall: all we can see is the person on the other side. We see their behavior and we make ourselves right and them wrong. The wall keeps us from seeing what’s on our side. If the wall became a mirror instead, and we asked the question, ‘how does this apply to me?’ then we could start learning about ourselves.
When you can look beyond your own judgments and be really honest with yourself you can see how it applies to you. For instance ‘she’ is noticing ‘his’ behavior is out of character and off purpose. He’s not focused on making enough money. If she is really honest with herself she’d recognize she’s not happy because she is off purpose and not generating enough income. If we are critical and judgmental of another, it really applies to us.
Rather than have its sense of identity and rightness threatened, the ego will typically blame and make the other person wrong. And then we drop into the victim role. When we do, the energy from our emotional conditioning is ignited. We get frustrated, angry – emotions are triggered. The other person is not being the way we want them to be and ultimately we are not being the way we want to be.
When we’re caught in this kind of emotional conditioning it’s really hard to see how we are contributing to the situation. The other shows up in our lives to simply be a mirror. That person is there to help you see what is really occurring - there to help you resolve your conditioning.
We aren’t really aware of our behavioral traits we gathered while growing up or of the habits we were taught. Until we can truly look at others as a mirror we’re not entirely conscious of what is going on. We live predominantly from emotional conditioning and ego.
Similarly, in the workplace, consider what happens when we want to make something happen and we can’t. Our ego drops into judgment triggered by all the associated unresolved emotional energy surrounding this issue. On top of that, we habitually resist feeling things fully so we have stuffed all the hurt, loneliness, sense of being abused or taken advantage of. It all comes up and we over-react to the situation. The person we are in conflict with is really ourselves.
When you begin to see yourself in the mirror of relationships you start to learn about yourself. Your habits, behaviors and unresolved emotional conditioning are revealed. At this point you have the choice to own your behaviors, resolve your conditioning and change your habits. When you do, you’ll be able to be more calm and centered, and chances are your relationship will be better too.
Relationships are a mirror for healing. They show us what needs to be resolved within ourselves. It’s an absolutely wonderful learning environment. It can be the best school we’ve ever gone to.
Enjoy your learning,
Lynne Brisdon, PCC
http://www.livinginvision.com/
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Step off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Get what you want.
A practical interactive one-day course guaranteed to change your habits.
Saturday April 14 in Vancouver
Ever find your emotions get you into trouble?
If you have brilliant ideas and exciting goals but get stopped in your tracks …
• are frustrated because your vision of a new and better life seems unattainable
• run out of energy before you get traction on the steps you need to take.
Then this workshop will help you turn stress into joy and goal fulfillment.
You’ll empowered with step by step methods to simply to move past old patterns and behaviors that keep you in lower potential.
Lynne Brisdon, Professional Coach and Vanessa Wiebel, Professional Body Integrated Certified Co-active Coach, synthesize the Five Elements of Chinese Medicine and the Hero’s Journey into tools you can utilize in your work and private life. You can finally become the person you know you truly are.
You will get the basic concepts, and have lots of opportunity to personally apply what you learn in this interactive class setting. You’ll take home your unique understanding of your antidote to personal obstacles.
During the day you’ll gain greater clarity of your vision, and explore the journey to reach it. You’ll recognize how the perspectives from which you view it affects your relationship to the journey; and in the end have action steps to take home.
The course includes a follow up group session via phone conference, and the option to do further in-depth one-one coaching with either Vanessa or Lynne.
Exploring your relationship to your vision reveals how you can move past obstacles which appear to be stand in your way over, and over again. You’ll see how often externally based obstacles get hooked into our internal conversation and create blocks. And, at times how your own fitness, health and constitution play an often over looked roll.
With our intent to connect and collaborate with conscious purposeful people Lynne and Vanessa have joined forces to offer this new workshop introducing a new form of understanding emotions, choice, motivation and actions.
Vanessa shares her gift of expert knowledge of Five Elements theory making it practical and applicable. Her insights gained over nearly twenty years of practice give us tools to stop being ruled by emotions and get into advantageous action.
Layering this information with the ‘Heros Journey Model’, passionately presented by Lynne, the synthesis of both models gives you a lens to observe your patterns, apply tangible steps to move beyond your obstacles and achieve success.
Vanessa Wiebel, BSc, RST, CST, CPCC, Professional Certified Co-active Coach
Amplifying Brilliance by awakening your inner voice and calling it to action LEAP.
Vanessa invites you to discover and be your authentic self. She enables you to step more fully and richly into the life you dream of and aspire to have. Highly skilled, with unique education and experience gathered over 18 years in the allopathic and eastern medicine fields . Being also gifted skilled communicator she now brings this combination to coaching along with her natural intuition .
She also combines bodywork either in person or via verbal guidance with co-active coaching. Vanessa takes her clients compassionately to the edge, where they never dare to look , in a gentle, yet firm way. This allows you to find new approaches and perspectives, from which you are empowered to make new, true choices along your path; toward sustainable wellbeing and joyful life.
http://www.vanessawiebel.com/
778-991 5822
Lynne Brisdon, Professional Certified Coach
Living In Vision: Illuminating the Path to Your Greatest Future
Lynne specializes in helping people step off the emotional roller coaster. She has continuously honed her coaching skills over the past 12 years, building on deeply rooted, spiritually based transformational methodology. Through clarification of vision and intent and the resolution of habitual or subconsciously held detractors, significant and lasting change is made.
Her gentle, yet impactful style leads clients to their desired results and previously elusive levels of self acceptance. After working with Lynne clients find they are happier, healthier, have fulfilling relationships and successful careers and businesses. They are more comfortable in their own skin and some have even said it saved their lives.
http://www.livinginvision.com/
604 570-0764
Register for this workshop
Saturday April 14 in Vancouver
Ever find your emotions get you into trouble?
- You get angry and do something you later regret and want to retract.
- You have a great idea then decide it’s not important after all and don’t do it
- You plan and get ready for something you really want to do, then get sick and have to cancel.
- or you suddenly, and mysteriously lose interest.
If you have brilliant ideas and exciting goals but get stopped in your tracks …
• are frustrated because your vision of a new and better life seems unattainable
• run out of energy before you get traction on the steps you need to take.
Then this workshop will help you turn stress into joy and goal fulfillment.
You’ll empowered with step by step methods to simply to move past old patterns and behaviors that keep you in lower potential.
Lynne Brisdon, Professional Coach and Vanessa Wiebel, Professional Body Integrated Certified Co-active Coach, synthesize the Five Elements of Chinese Medicine and the Hero’s Journey into tools you can utilize in your work and private life. You can finally become the person you know you truly are.
You will get the basic concepts, and have lots of opportunity to personally apply what you learn in this interactive class setting. You’ll take home your unique understanding of your antidote to personal obstacles.
During the day you’ll gain greater clarity of your vision, and explore the journey to reach it. You’ll recognize how the perspectives from which you view it affects your relationship to the journey; and in the end have action steps to take home.
The course includes a follow up group session via phone conference, and the option to do further in-depth one-one coaching with either Vanessa or Lynne.
Exploring your relationship to your vision reveals how you can move past obstacles which appear to be stand in your way over, and over again. You’ll see how often externally based obstacles get hooked into our internal conversation and create blocks. And, at times how your own fitness, health and constitution play an often over looked roll.
With our intent to connect and collaborate with conscious purposeful people Lynne and Vanessa have joined forces to offer this new workshop introducing a new form of understanding emotions, choice, motivation and actions.
Vanessa shares her gift of expert knowledge of Five Elements theory making it practical and applicable. Her insights gained over nearly twenty years of practice give us tools to stop being ruled by emotions and get into advantageous action.
Layering this information with the ‘Heros Journey Model’, passionately presented by Lynne, the synthesis of both models gives you a lens to observe your patterns, apply tangible steps to move beyond your obstacles and achieve success.
Vanessa Wiebel, BSc, RST, CST, CPCC, Professional Certified Co-active Coach
Amplifying Brilliance by awakening your inner voice and calling it to action LEAP.
Vanessa invites you to discover and be your authentic self. She enables you to step more fully and richly into the life you dream of and aspire to have. Highly skilled, with unique education and experience gathered over 18 years in the allopathic and eastern medicine fields . Being also gifted skilled communicator she now brings this combination to coaching along with her natural intuition .
She also combines bodywork either in person or via verbal guidance with co-active coaching. Vanessa takes her clients compassionately to the edge, where they never dare to look , in a gentle, yet firm way. This allows you to find new approaches and perspectives, from which you are empowered to make new, true choices along your path; toward sustainable wellbeing and joyful life.
http://www.vanessawiebel.com/
778-991 5822
Lynne Brisdon, Professional Certified Coach
Living In Vision: Illuminating the Path to Your Greatest Future
Lynne specializes in helping people step off the emotional roller coaster. She has continuously honed her coaching skills over the past 12 years, building on deeply rooted, spiritually based transformational methodology. Through clarification of vision and intent and the resolution of habitual or subconsciously held detractors, significant and lasting change is made.
Her gentle, yet impactful style leads clients to their desired results and previously elusive levels of self acceptance. After working with Lynne clients find they are happier, healthier, have fulfilling relationships and successful careers and businesses. They are more comfortable in their own skin and some have even said it saved their lives.
http://www.livinginvision.com/
604 570-0764
Register for this workshop
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Improving Our Relationships
As we delve further into the realm of relationship it is apparent we can have wonderful intentions and clarity of how we prefer to be in relationship and still be challenged by situations that come up with our partner.
When things are going well it’s much easier to express yourself in a loving way and be appreciative of your partner, however when conflict arises it’s challenging to love without conditions. Culturally, often by parents, we have been conditioned to withhold love toward someone who is exhibiting behaviors we don’t like. Often when someone does something we don’t like we let them know about it in the form of a verbal reprimand, nagging, or silent withdrawal of affection.
Often we aren’t even conscious of our decision to share our love conditionally. We habitually hold the stance of – I’ll love you if…. In many cases we demand to be treated in certain ways before we willingly express love and affection.
This leads to relationships where we tolerate each other and either avoid conflict altogether or have bouts of escalated conflict followed by cooling off periods. This kind of relationship stagnates and we wonder where the love went or why we are even continuing in the relationship.
What would happen if the next time your partner pushes your emotional hot button you were able to keep your heart open and love them anyway?
Many years ago my former partner complained regularly about a perpetual situation at work. It aggravated me that he would come home and vent his anger night after night. I would get angry and ask him to stop because it felt like he was taking it out on my daughter and I. This would often escalate and we would yell at each other and on of us would stomp off. One day I tried something new. I practiced a centering technique when he started complaining and stayed present to what he was saying. I realized that he was simply aggravated by a situation he felt powerless to control but had to deal with nearly every day. It had nothing to do with me at all. I stopped taking it personally and let him have his rant. He would vent his energy and then we could go on with our day.
If we make a conscious practice of being present to our partner with an open heart to love and come from a place of love we can start to make very positive changes. Rather than becoming caught up and engaged when someone else is provoked, we can stay in curiosity and wonder – open to what is. From that place our partner starts to feel heard and acknowledged. Being open and curious doesn’t mean we have to agree, however if we listen to their perspective and allow ourselves the opportunity to see it their way we can begin to understand where they are coming from. With practice, it’s possible to talk about our different points of view and come to a decision about how we would like to hold our mutual perspectives and move on.
Ideally, if both partners are willing you can come to an agreement about how you would like to be together when things are going well and especially when they are not. With a little research we can find all kinds of ways to manage perpetually ‘emotionally loaded’ conversations. The work of John Gottman Ph.D in particular has lots of great information on how to mitigate the risk of escalating conflict. Gottman observed that couples who resolved conflict with positivity 4 out of 5 times would stay together.
To take it a step further we can permanently resolve the underlying emotional energy that is provoked in us when our partner displays behaviors we don’t like. By being aware of the physical sensations in our body we can feel into these sensations and release the energy that is causing our emotional reaction. Eventually it will become easy to be curious and listen and not need to control the situation, as I did in my earlier example. Also, in retrospect if I could have seen that he was operating from his own conditioning I might have recognized the pattern of venting one’s frustration when you get home from work was probably modeled by his father. I wonder what would have happened to our relationship if I had resolved my emotional conditioning and become more empathetic towards him?
Ultimately, the only person we have any control over is ourselves, however if we are curious about what is happening on both sides we can open up some room for things to change. Holding ourselves and our partners in a loving way creates space to feel accepted for who we are and encourages us to take the risk of letting go of old ways of being.
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
When things are going well it’s much easier to express yourself in a loving way and be appreciative of your partner, however when conflict arises it’s challenging to love without conditions. Culturally, often by parents, we have been conditioned to withhold love toward someone who is exhibiting behaviors we don’t like. Often when someone does something we don’t like we let them know about it in the form of a verbal reprimand, nagging, or silent withdrawal of affection.
Often we aren’t even conscious of our decision to share our love conditionally. We habitually hold the stance of – I’ll love you if…. In many cases we demand to be treated in certain ways before we willingly express love and affection.
This leads to relationships where we tolerate each other and either avoid conflict altogether or have bouts of escalated conflict followed by cooling off periods. This kind of relationship stagnates and we wonder where the love went or why we are even continuing in the relationship.
What would happen if the next time your partner pushes your emotional hot button you were able to keep your heart open and love them anyway?
Many years ago my former partner complained regularly about a perpetual situation at work. It aggravated me that he would come home and vent his anger night after night. I would get angry and ask him to stop because it felt like he was taking it out on my daughter and I. This would often escalate and we would yell at each other and on of us would stomp off. One day I tried something new. I practiced a centering technique when he started complaining and stayed present to what he was saying. I realized that he was simply aggravated by a situation he felt powerless to control but had to deal with nearly every day. It had nothing to do with me at all. I stopped taking it personally and let him have his rant. He would vent his energy and then we could go on with our day.
If we make a conscious practice of being present to our partner with an open heart to love and come from a place of love we can start to make very positive changes. Rather than becoming caught up and engaged when someone else is provoked, we can stay in curiosity and wonder – open to what is. From that place our partner starts to feel heard and acknowledged. Being open and curious doesn’t mean we have to agree, however if we listen to their perspective and allow ourselves the opportunity to see it their way we can begin to understand where they are coming from. With practice, it’s possible to talk about our different points of view and come to a decision about how we would like to hold our mutual perspectives and move on.
Ideally, if both partners are willing you can come to an agreement about how you would like to be together when things are going well and especially when they are not. With a little research we can find all kinds of ways to manage perpetually ‘emotionally loaded’ conversations. The work of John Gottman Ph.D in particular has lots of great information on how to mitigate the risk of escalating conflict. Gottman observed that couples who resolved conflict with positivity 4 out of 5 times would stay together.
To take it a step further we can permanently resolve the underlying emotional energy that is provoked in us when our partner displays behaviors we don’t like. By being aware of the physical sensations in our body we can feel into these sensations and release the energy that is causing our emotional reaction. Eventually it will become easy to be curious and listen and not need to control the situation, as I did in my earlier example. Also, in retrospect if I could have seen that he was operating from his own conditioning I might have recognized the pattern of venting one’s frustration when you get home from work was probably modeled by his father. I wonder what would have happened to our relationship if I had resolved my emotional conditioning and become more empathetic towards him?
Ultimately, the only person we have any control over is ourselves, however if we are curious about what is happening on both sides we can open up some room for things to change. Holding ourselves and our partners in a loving way creates space to feel accepted for who we are and encourages us to take the risk of letting go of old ways of being.
Lynne Brisdon
Professional Certified Coach
http://www.livinginvision.com/
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